We had our fourth baby back in February, and while he is the cutest little guy and it’s a total joy to be his mama, we have also had some bumps along the road, including with nursing!

So in this post, I’ll be walking you through my breastfeeding journey with James the first 12 weeks of his life, with both the highs and the lows.

Before I jump in, just a reminder that I’m not a lactation consultant and I’m not sharing this as advice you should take or do or apply.

I’m sharing this as a fellow mama who struggled and who also learned so much during these 12 weeks. And if it helps you feel less alone, or gives you ideas as to who to reach out to for help, or encourages you to keep on going, or is just a reminder that we’re all in this beautiful mess of motherhood together, then my work here is done.

My Experience Nursing Babies

As I shared in this post, our son was born at the end of February and we had a great homebirth experience. And just to give a little context or background, he is baby number four. I was thankfully able to nurse all three of our girls for a year and a half or more. So coming into baby number four, I had already nursed babies for a total of about 4.5 years.

That’s not to say I knew it all and figured nursing would be a breeze – I learned SO MUCH more during our tongue and lip tie journey with our third daughter and I know there’s always more to learn. It’s just to say this wasn’t my first time nursing or problem-solving breastfeeding challenges.  

So shortly after James was born, he latched on pretty easily, which is always a relief. For the first couple of days, though, and honestly the first couple of weeks, although he was eating well and growing well, I just felt like he had a shallow latch. I could also see that my nipples sometimes had that lipstick shape after feeding him, which is a sign for a poor latch.

So I could tell it wasn’t as great of latch as it could be, but I didn’t really know how to fix it. But he was eating well and gaining weight well, which are always extra red flags if those aren’t happening.

But we also noticed during this time that he couldn’t be laid flat to sleep. He was okay during diaper changes or if he was awake and laid flat, but when he was asleep and laid flat, he’d make this awful grunting noise that no normal person could handle hearing for more than a minute or two. So we had to hold him upright for all sleep, essentially until he was about 12 weeks old.

The whole sleep journey is another post for another day, but we have to get through it first and we’re still figuring out all the things. But the context of a strange latch plus strange sleep is what you need to know for this to all make sense.

And because our third daughter had a lip and tongue tie – yet was also gaining weight well and I had no discomfort – my first thought was that he must have restrictions, as well. I know oral restrictions can run in the family and can often get worse as you have more children, so I thought there was a good chance he had one.

His strange grunting with sleep also sounded like reflux, which can also be tied to oral restrictions – and the shallow latch, of course – so we started there.

Our Course of Action

I know the many benefits of chiropractic care for babies, so that was our first stop when he was three weeks old, followed by a craniosacral therapist (CST) the next day to see if he had some tension from birth and maybe some good fascia work would make a difference for his latch and/or sleep.

We saw the new CST when James was 3 weeks old, and the bodywork she did was really great – I saw his tongue start to move and come out of his mouth than I had seen before. But she also gave some advice I just kind of had to smile and nod for and sift through my own knowledge, experience, and comfort.

Within the first two minutes of us being there and hearing what’s going on, she quickly said, “You need to cut out dairy.” Which, if I truly had to cut out dairy in order to be able to nurse my baby, I absolutely would! However, telling me that after two minutes of seeing us and hearing what’s going on felt a little quick.

He had some baby acne, which all my girls have had, and she said that was a sign of dairy intolerance. Then at the end, she said he was responding really well to the bodywork, so I asked, “Do you still think I should cut out dairy right now or wait to see how this bodywork helps?” And she was said, “Oh yeah, cut it out starting today.”

So I asked how then I’d know if the bodywork made a difference or cutting out dairy, and she just kind of laughed and said, “You won’t really. But about 90% of the moms I work with have to cut out something.” And that just didn’t sit right with everything I had learned before, so I heard her and kind of shelved it.

She also told me I should buy a sleep positioner so that James could sleep on his side and that that should help with his sleep and reflux. And as a sleep consultant, especially, I know too much to be comfortable with that; not to mention how that could impact his head shape and such, so I didn’t take that to heart, either.

She also told me not to be worried about a tongue or lip tie, that there was no way he had any restrictions, and she would never recommend a frenectomy. And remember, she was a CST, not an IBCLC or an ENT.

So anyway, I smiled and said thanks so much for your help, but wasn’t about to order a positioner, and I wasn’t convinced yet about cutting out dairy. And I also wasn’t convinced about the restrictions not being an issue!

But it also left me feeling out of options, especially since we are newer to Ohio! I had all of my trusted providers in Virginia I would have seen in a heartbeat, but am still finding my people here.

So I texted my lactation consultant from Virginia telling her the situation and asking her advice. And first, she said cutting out dairy was very likely unnecessary, as James had none of the telltale signs he was struggling; she said elimination diets are one of her last recommendations, unless of course the signs are obvious.

She agreed his baby acne was totally normal at this age, and she had me send her pictures of his tongue and lip. Looking at the pictures, she said they did look tight, but you can’t simply diagnose ties from seeing them – it’s all about function. So she could only help so much from afar.

And honestly I was relieved, because what she was telling me matched up a lot more to what I had learned and knew from before, and just what I was observing. So I didn’t go back to that craniosacral therapist. And I didn’t cut out dairy.

But I also felt stuck, because we still needed help! I half-joked that James and I just needed to go to back to Virginia for a week or two to see all of my old providers and know I was in good hands. But I stuck it out here.

In texting with our old lactation consultant, however, I was like, “Now what do I do? Who do I see? And how do I know who to trust?!”

And she is amazing and looked up in her IBCLC database and found a few people in the Columbus area, looked up their websites to see how they approach restrictions, and narrowed it down to two that lined up with her training and practice. And then said she had actually seen one of them speak before.

So I then reached out to Allyson Wessells from Nurture Columbus, who I’ll actually be interviewing next week (though not focusing solely on breastfeeding), and I was finally in great hands that I really trusted. But it was a journey even to get to her!!

So another sidenote: if you’re local to Columbus, Ohio, I can’t recommend Nurture enough. They come right to your house, which is a game changer with newborns, plus they take a lot of insurances!

Our Lactation Help

Allyson came over when James was about 4.5 weeks old. She listened to what’s been going on and then watched us nurse, and right away had some really helpful position adjustments. She has a PT background, which was really helpful in all of her explanations. And the position adjustments were nothing crazy, but also things I had never really thought about!

Like when I was nursing James, his head was kind of tilted to the side, like ear to shoulder – and she showed me how to reposition to make his head as centered as possible and aligned with his body. It’s hard to explain without pictures, but she said, “Imagine gulping down lots of water with your head way to the side, or chin tucked way down. It would be really hard and uncomfortable. But we tilt our head back as we drink.”

I’m sure that’s helpful for nursing any baby, but especially with my strong let down and spray, that made a big difference. And even though James wasn’t making the classic clicking sound that’s a red flag for ties and also a sign they’re sucking in air, too much gulping can also mean he’s sucking in air! So that was new for me.

Another position piece she recommend was rolling up a burp cloth and sticking it under my breast while James nursed, again to help him with better alignment and positioning.

At the time, I was also generally block feeding James – not because I thought it was the “right thing” to do, but because it just kind of happened that way and worked! And by block feeding I mean one breast per feed.

I block fed my oldest, because that’s what worked. With our second and third I generally nursed from both sides each feed, because that’s what worked. And with James I had started block feeding, but she said that’s not ideal long term!

(Side note: one of my providers actually said block feeding is the “best” way to nurse, and gave some silly reasoning about switching sides waking the baby up too much. I knew it sounded bizarre so didn’t take it as gold, but it did just so happen that it worked well with James, so that’s the pattern we were in.]

One reason Allyson said block feeding isn’t ideal is pretty common sense. If you just feed one side each time, the other breast might go six hours before feeding and that’s a long time! Talk about engorgement and discomfort, and then a stronger let down or spray for the baby to manage. And then she said something like feeding on both sides each time, or at least offering both, helps the milk stay more mixed rather than separating so much into foremilk and hindmilk, and that can help with digestion.

It was strange to go from block feeding to both sides, as I had to intentionally unlatch him from one side to go to the other, even though the other side still felt more full. I had to essentially retrain my milk supply.

She then put James on his tummy to see his alignment and showed us some bodywork to do with him both on his belly and back.

And finally, she checked for ties at that first visit, and she said he had some tension, but let’s see how the position changes and body work help before considering a frenectomy.

We were hopeful that all of this would not only help with James’ latch but also make a difference with his sleep – because sleep was our biggest concern in all of this.

After that first visit, we immediately saw improvements in James’ latch – it didn’t feel as shallow anymore. And before seeing her, James was pooping pretty much every diaper, sometimes multiple times a nursing session, and after we stopped block feeding, he went to maybe 1-2 times a day (though sometimes zero, which is another topic).

But we still couldn’t lay him flat to sleep, and a new challenge cropped up where there were some evenings he was just so fussy. It was like he wanted to nurse but couldn’t because something was off with his belly, and Jason and I would essentially just pass him back and forth, trying all of our tricks, until he’d pass out on one of us (usually Jason).

So after the first visit and before the next, which were 10ish days apart, we saw the pediatrician for his normal check up. He didn’t have much to say, but recommend we try a probiotic with vitamin D and see how that helped. And within a few days of the probiotic, those fussy evenings stopped! Plus we were seeing the chiropractor, so between some body work she gave us, tips the IBCLC gave us, and the probiotic, things were finally looking up in the evening fussy department.

Even fast forward to now when James is almost five months old, we still do the probiotic with his vitamin D, and when we miss a day, it seems to really throw off his pooping. Of course not medical advice here, just our personal experience!

We didn’t, however, see a difference with his sleep at all – he still couldn’t be laid flat when asleep.

I honestly don’t remember a lot of what we learned the second time she was with us. But I mentioned that we started giving him a probiotic, which she was totally fine with, but she actually mentioned that MY gut health would actually impact him more. So she talked about eating foods rich in probiotics (and prebiotics), and also recommended a supplement.

I also remember asking, “But why is he already starting to get fussy in the evenings? What’s changed? What’s wrong?”

And she told me that there’s really no way to answer that question. And that when she works with babies, even over time, she tries to look at them as a new baby each time – because they’re constantly growing and changing! This was even fascinating. She said sometimes babies don’t have signs or symptoms of oral restrictions early on, but a month or two or three later, as they keep growing, it becomes a challenge. So that was also new to me.   

Something else she talked about during that second meeting was not feeling so pressured to always give James a full feed. I would aim to not go more than three hours between feeds during the day – so if he was still napping, we’d wake him to eat. But if he woke sooner or was hungrier sooner, I’d certainly feed him! But something that frustrated me was I often felt like my breasts were full – it didn’t feel like he drained them each feed like my girls did.

She helped reframe my thinking here. She said “full feeds” were like steak dinners, and he didn’t need a steak dinner every time he ate; that sometimes it might just be a snack or a drink of water. And she thought that trying to offer him the breast more often, to avoid those big, full, steak dinners, could help with some of his evening fussiness. And she said that might mean waking him from his naps even earlier to give him more frequent feeds.

Interestingly he really didn’t want more regular feeds – this baby to this day still won’t eat if he’s not hungry – so that didn’t stick, but just wiping away the mindset that he didn’t need a full feed each time was helpful. And especially because weight gain was never an issue!

At that second visit, we all agreed we should go see the pediatric dentist to see what he thought about revising James’ lip and tongue tie – because our lactation consultant was unsure. Unfortunately, the dentist was also unsure. He was basically like, it could help, or it could not! And we didn’t feel great about that uncertainty, so we kept doing all the things for another week or so, and when we still hadn’t seen a change, we decided to schedule the frenectomy. It seemed like the next rung on the ladder that wouldn’t “hurt” things if it wasn’t necessary. 

In the meantime, I started thinking James’ weird sleep stuff was more connected to his airways, which again, another episode for another time, so we saw an ENT. They did a scope through each nostril and over his voicebox and didn’t see much that was concerning, but said his nasal passageways were inflamed.

So they gave us a steroid nose drop to help with that for two weeks. Interestingly, our frenectomy was scheduled for the next morning and the ENT said she didn’t think it was necessary – but also said in general she was in the camp that they were unnecessary. And she was surprised to hear how much of a difference it made for our daughter Isla!

I remember calling Jason after that wondering what we should do now. Should we still do the frenectomy? We ultimately decided to go for it, because we had enough pointing to the release being helpful.

It Got Worse Before it Got Better…

And I was actually allowed to stay in the room for the frenectomy and watch as closely as I wanted to, which was both really cool and also I understand why most places don’t let you in there. That’s not something I wish to see again!

But all it went well with the procedure and he recovered well, but a few days after, nursing got way harder before it got better. Jason did his tongue stretches on Thursday afternoon, and he did it well and deep (which was always hard for me), but after that James really struggled to nurse – like his tongue forgot how to. Which I knew in theory could happen – now his tongue had more movement and he did need to relearn, but when we had the frenectomy with our third daughter, nursing never got harder or worse, it only get better.

So we had a really tough weekend where he struggled to nurse and I was so frustrated. One big comfort for him up until this point was sucking on our finger, and he wouldn’t or couldn’t even do that most of the time. I remember on Sunday night he was just screaming and screaming and screaming and nothing we did could calm him.

I was trying to give him my finger to suck and it was as if he wanted to but just couldn’t, so I embraced my inner Allyson. I laid him on the floor, on his side – his side seemed to be more helpful for his digestion when he was struggling. And as I put my finger in his mouth, I lightly squeezed his cheeks around my finger with my other hand, as I had seen Allyson do as she was feeling out his latch and trying to help give him more sensory input.

With that extra cheek help, he was finally able to latch onto my finger, and within a few minutes he fell asleep – thank goodness! That nap didn’t last for long, but at least it was a break from all that screaming.

And then to get him to nurse after he woke up, I knew he’d need that some input. So it sounds ridiculous, and honestly it was, but I laid him vertically on my body and as I put him in latching position, I had Jason squeeze his cheeks together, and he was finally able to latch. Talk about a relief!

And same thing happened in the middle of the night – Jason had to help me with James’ night feed.

Thankfully Allyson was already scheduled to come that next morning, because I was in tears! I was so frustrated and regretted getting the frenectomy at all. I was also so nervous, because Jason was heading out of town for two nights and I felt like I didn’t have enough hands help him nurse.

She did a great job reassuring me and said he just had to relearn how to use all of those muscles to nurse and this was very normal. She said that practicing sucking on a bottle nipple while lying on the ground on his side would be helpful for him – that it was basically putting him in the same position as he’d be nursing, but on a firm surface so his body was more grounded (rather than on squishy, bumpy, uneven mom’s lap) and he could really isolate the muscles he needed to eat.

And yes, I said bottle nipple, NOT a pacifier! Because most pacifiers, and even lots of bottles, aren’t actually designed with breastfeeding babies in mind. But we have the Lansinoh bottles and those nipples are great.

Similarly, she recommend I side-lie nurse him when he was having a tough time, again so he didn’t have to focus on the rest of his body. I’ve never enjoyed side-lying nursing, but it was a helpful trick to get him to nurse more smoothly.

Interestingly, his weight gain was also slower that week than it had been before. Nowhere near problematic, because he’s a big baby, but it tracked with the frenectomy and strange feedings.

So that led to a week of crazy nursing sessions, mostly side-lying. And if I wasn’t side lying, he popped off constantly – if he stayed latched for more than five seconds, it felt like a miracle. Plus it took forever to feel good about his intake! It was so frustrating.

I remember having our church community group over during this time and I had to go upstairs to feed James because I needed to lay down. I have no problem nursing normally in front of people, but I’m not just going to lay down and nurse with a full house.

A few days later I was at a baby shower, and I was able to feed him kind of normally once, but then had to go upstairs to the nursery the second time to feed my baby! And the next day was my sister’s baby shower, and I was so anxious I’d have to feed him during the shower and it wouldn’t work, so I’d have to go upstairs and then miss out. Thankfully he didn’t need to nurse until after, but it was such a pain.

On our mini-one-stop road trip he barely nursed, because there was no way to side lie in the car. So he only got a little milk. Thankfully he wasn’t fussy about it – it’s not like he was crying of hunger all day. He’s actually a really chill and happy baby, overall!

But again, I was just so frustrated and did not see the light at the end! And the few times I didn’t have to side lie, I’d try to hold one hand under his head, trying to act like a solid floor, sometimes use the other hand to push in his cheek, to help give him that extra input – it was just a whole production.

Thankfully he almost always nursed well overnight, as that was more reflexive nursing than really doing the hard work. I could also sometimes catch him in that super sleepy waking from a nap state sometimes and feed him, and it’d go well. So I took advantage of that as much as I could. But we also of course wanted to make sure he was actually relearning that muscle movement, so I couldn’t rely on sleepy nursing.

But again, Allyson was already scheduled to come again that week, and while things were technically better from the previous week (he could suck our finger for relief and I could side-lie), I wanted to be able to nurse my baby normally, in the cradle position, and anywhere I was! And still, he was almost always happy and content during all of this – he wasn’t frustrated like I was or starving like I was concerned about – but it was just hard.

I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on nursing, but I was wondering if it’d be like this forever, because I certainly couldn’t nurse him long-term if it was always going to be like this. I remember asking her at what point nursing just wouldn’t work anymore, and she said something like, “Only when you don’t want to.”

And I sure wanted to make it work!

So per usual, it was so helpful having her insight. She encouraged me that although it didn’t feel better and it was frustrating, the function of his nursing was better than the first time she saw us weeks prior. When she first saw us, he was just riding the wave of my let down and guzzling so much milk at once. Whereas now, although he needed help, his jaw motion and overall nursing motion was just better! I really needed to hear that.

And she said it was still a matter of time and his muscles relearning, so keep on keeping on. But she also recommend Jason give him 1-2 bottles a day, to keep training his muscles. So Jason would give him a bottle in that same side-lying position, so he didn’t have to focus on the rest of his body. This was also helpful to give me a break from such frustrating nursing sessions. I was nervous that doing bottles so regularly would make him prefer the bottle over the breast but it never did!

It Got Better!

Finally, after about two weeks of strange nursing and relearning, we slowly but surely continued getting into a better and better rhythm.

Allyson came one more time about two weeks later, so now James was now 11 weeks old, and we were already in such a different place. I hadn’t side-lie nursed in a good week and was feeling so much better. The last obstacle she helped me think through was my oversupply.

I noticed a trend that when my breasts were more full, James had a really hard time latching and then just choked too much on my let down, and wouldn’t nurse well. He was thankfully happy, so not starving, but I just never felt like he had a full feed! And of course when he didn’t’ nurse well, I would just get more full, perpetuating the issue.

So there were some days where I had Jason give him a bottle by mid-afternoon so that I could see the ounceage getting into his body, but also give myself some relief! So a much better place than having to side-lie all the time, but still frustrating. But there were also a few times in there he wouldn’t even take the bottle and it made me crazy to know he went 5-6 hours during the day without a feed!

So again, she encouraged me to trust his cues – his weight gain was still steady, and she said he might not have needed those bottles. She wasn’t saying not to offer, she was just encouraging us that we were doing a great job and could trust his cues more than the clock or ounce counts.

So when it came to him not nursing well when I was more full, we talked about using the hakaa for just an ounce or so before nursing, if I felt full. But having to be careful to not use it too much, as I didn’t want to stimulate even more of a supply. And also just doing a bottle when I felt like I needed to be more fully drained by the pump.

She also said if I was ever trying to nurse him and it just felt disjointed, that we could try a bottle for an ounce or two, to help him remember how to use those muscles again, and then try to latch and finish the feed, and that could help. I never had to, but it was helpful having that as another option.

Allyson also said I could also try to drink a cup of peppermint tea a day. That it could help my milk supply decrease a bit to help him latch on. I didn’t end up doing this, more out of not buying the tea and then forgetting and then it quickly not being an issue, but was thankful to have the idea in my back pocket.

We went to Cleveland right after this for my oldest daughter’s chemo and scans, and we had to pack the hakaa, hand pump, bottle, and bottle wash and brush. I had never had to travel with all of that before, because my nursing babies always just needed me! But I was nervous to be away from home for 4-5 days and not have a way to get relief if I was too full, and also feed my baby well.

So again, while I was in a much better place of nursing him, things still weren’t where I wanted them to be.

We Made It!

Fast forward four weeks when we went away for the weekend again, I didn’t even consider bringing my hakaa and bottles and such, because it hadn’t been an issue for a while. I think it was a combo of my milk supply needing to normalize, and James’ little muscles to keep getting stronger.

Around week 12 is also when James was able to start laying in his bassinet at night – I say for most nights, most of the night – which again, I know it’s all a cliff hanger, but that will all be in another post.

But I remember having the thought of like, WE MADE IT! He was 16 weeks old and we finally felt like we were over this huge hump of such a tough few months of question marks!

On the nursing front, I also have to add that I probably asked about cutting out dairy every time I saw my IBCLC, and each time she said I could if I wanted to, but she saw no reason to. And while I was very willing to cut it out for the sake of being able to nurse my baby, I love me some ice cream! And if I didn’t need to cut it out I didn’t want to. And here we are at almost 5 months old and I’m still eating dairy!

I should also note that we did try a month of reflux meds after a few weeks of trying all of the lactation things, just to see if they’d help. I wasn’t opposed to meds, but I didn’t want to jump right to them, in case we were masking a root issue. Our pediatrician also said he doesn’t often notice them helping, but we got to a space where it was very worth trying. But the meds didn’t make any difference, so we only tried for a month.

Bad Advice I Was Given Along the Way

Before wrapping up, I just need to give a little space for all of the bad or strange or just out-of-your-lane advice I got during this time. Because I really had to weed it out, and I kept thinking if I was a first time mom, I’d probably latch on to so much more of this! But some was unsafe and some was just not a thing, some unhelpful or against the expert’s advice, and it just shocked me.

I already shared about being told right away to cut out dairy and get the side lying positioner for his bed. I mentioned being told block feeding was the way to go.

Someone else told me to make sure I kept waking him up to feed every three hours overnight until he was at least 16 weeks old – that one never stuck, come on people!

And some people said bedsharing has been a thing forever, it’s ancestral, maybe I shouldn’t be so focused on him not being able to sleep flat on his back. So I really had to dig through the weeks to finally reach the treasures! BUT WE GOT THERE!

Conclusion

Even now that James is almost five months old, it’s so encouraging and crazy to thinking back to all that we went through and overcame those first several weeks of his little life. I’m proud of us!

My goal in sharing our challenging nursing journey is one, to share. To give you a big glimpse into part of our newborn journey with James, specifically when it came to our nursing highs and lows. My hope in sharing all of this is to make you feel less alone if you’re struggling right now.

And to hopefully encourage you that if you’re still in the thick of it, there is another side and you won’t be struggling forever!

Another part of the plan here is to teach you what I learned! Whether you’re pregnant with your first or fifth, or just had your first or fifth, or your friend just had her first or fifth, my hope is that something will resonate here, or stick, for when it’s needed again. I learned so much I this hard season and I hope others can learn from it, as well.

Another huge part of the plan here is to remind you that not all providers are created equally! It’s so important to find providers who you trust and who support you in your goals. I had to sift through some not so great providers before I got to the good ones, and that wasn’t fun but it was important. I had to trust my mama gut and keep looking!

I also can’t emphasize enough how much time was on our side. There are rarely quick fixes with anything related to people, and especially little people. And time was really so key in all of this to not only get to the bottom of what was going on with our sweet boy, but to also help him relearn and grow stronger.

And if you’re in Columbus, Ohio, or anywhere around here, my plan is to also make sure you know about Nurture and how amazing they are. Allyson’s personalized support and care for me and James (and really our family!) was unmatched.

Also remember the grace!

Give yourself grace in those teary days and nights – you’re doing a great job and this is a hard hard job and also such a gift of a job.

Give your baby grace, too! They are trying to figure out this whole crazy world right alongside you. Find providers who are gracious and really sit in this season with you and truly listen to your goals and walk alongside you as you aim to meet them.

And remember that time is your best friend here.

I also have to say, my crazy journey ended with being able to nurse my journey. And I don’t want to pretend that everyone’s journey ends that way, so give yourself grace if the outcome of all of this hard work doesn’t result in meeting your goals. That is hard and there has to be so much grace there.

With Grace,

Lauren