Last week, I shared all about our challenging sleep journey with baby number four due to some airway issues, especially the first nine months of his life.

So today, I’m going to be talking all about what sleep training him actually looked like once we got the green light from our ENT. I’m going to share the details of how sleep training really went, the really hard and the really big celebrations.

I’ll also share what some of my inner dialogue looked like as I tried encouraging myself as a sleep coach to a client, because I’m a real mom who was doing this with my real baby. And job aside, sleep training isn’t a walk in the park.

But as a sleep coach, I was also able to come alongside myself, so I’ll share more of that. And I’ll also share more of the “afters” of sleep training. I shared the “befores” last week, like how I was missing appointments, I didn’t feel very comfortable leaving before or even after bedtime, and how I felt physically weaker.

So again, I’ll wrap up by sharing some of those “afters.”

When We Decided to Start Sleep Training

So like I mentioned, at nine months old, we got the green light from our ENT to sleep train James. That was the Monday before Thanksgiving, and we were traveling and then had a busy week of appointments and some later nights out, so it wasn’t ideal to start sleep training. (I share more about the best time to sleep train here.)

And honestly, I was kind of nervous.

Yes, I’m a sleep consultant. I know what to do. I’m confident in the methods. And James is my baby. We have been holding him for sleep for several months. I hadn’t sleep trained any of my own kids since my oldest was a baby because with our middle two, we were able to establish a really solid newborn foundation and just kind of continue that into babyhood – so we didn’t have to officially sleep train them.

And because it’s my job, I know how smooth or how hard sleep training can be, so I kind of had to work up some courage.

Another factor of when we are going to start is something I touched on a little bit in last week’s post. James has not been the most regular of poopers. We’ve had ups and downs kind of his whole life with that. So there were some weeks where he was going four to five days without pooping. And the nights where he hadn’t pooped in a while, he was a lot more wiggly, a lot more seemingly uncomfortable.

So I didn’t want to start sleep training when he hadn’t pooped in a couple of days, giving me another little question mark of, is he crying because he’s upset with a change or is it because he’s uncomfortable So I was waiting for him to have a good poop and to be comfortable starting sleep training then.

However, we were also feeling the time crunch. Christmas would be in a few weeks, and we had a wedding we were excited about right before Christmas. But no one else was able to put James to sleep, so what were we going to do?

So it was Monday, December 8th, and James had a really good poop that day. The way his naps lined up that day, his bedtime would fall at 8:00 pm. We were hosting our church community group at our house that night, so I thought it might work well that night, depending on when people left. Sure enough, I looked at the clock and it was 8:00. I looked at my husband and said, “So, we can start sleep training right now if you want to.” And he was on it!

It also worked out really well because Jason didn’t have any counseling sessions the next day, so having an extra hand to help sleep train through naps the next day/hang with the big kids was a huge gift.

Night One of Sleep Training

Bedtime

So Jason did bedtime on night one of sleep training, and night one was really hard.

We went with the chair method, but as Jason was cycling through voice, touch, and pick-up, voice and touch really didn’t do anything. Thankfully the pick-ups really helped, but then when he would lay him down again, James was so, so sad.

I put our older two girls to bed during this time and I wanted to feel close and know what was going on, so I decided to fold some laundry in the hallway for a bit. But I eventually decided to go downstairs and just put on headphones in, because the crying was tough to hear.

After an hour of doing the chair method, James still was not asleep. So just like we tell our clients, if it’s night one and it has been an hour and your little one is still not asleep, it is time to take a break. We tell our families that needing to take this break is certainly not the norm – in fact, I’d say it’s a very small percentage of the families we work with. But it’s helpful to know what to do in case it’s a really rough night.

Of course it would happen to us!

So I went into our room and told Jason I would help handle the break. I turned on our bathroom light so that there was some light in the room, and the goal with this break is to just take a little bit of a breather for both the parents and baby, change their diaper, maybe give a top-off feed, but certainly keeping the baby awake. And then after a few minutes, sleep sack back on, lights back off, and continue with the sleep training method.

However, the moment Jason handed James to me, he fell asleep. I’m not kidding when I tell you that he passed out the moment he was in my arms.

And to be honest, I didn’t want to put him down. I probably laid him down about four minutes later – I didn’t hold him for super long. But this was kind of “cheating”, because James did not fall asleep on his own, he passed out on me. This is an example of when I put my sleep coach hat on and thought about what would I say to my clients if I was doing a check-in call the next day, or responding to an email, and they told me that this is what happened.

And I would say it was not ideal that he fell asleep on you, as that’s certainly not our goal. But it doesn’t sound like you could really have avoided it, you stuck to the plan as much as you were able to do, and we’re gonna try again tomorrow – tomorrow is a new day.

I remember after I came downstairs, Jason and I debriefed on the couch a bit, and I was so thankful that he did that first hour. And he said that he was okay with it because he knew that it would work; he trusted me and the work that I do.

Which is so funny, because do you want to know what I was thinking? Me, the sleep consultant of six and a half years who has done this with families over 300 times and who’s seen really great nights and really, really, really hard nights. I thought, “What if he’s the one baby this doesn’t work for?” The sleep coach who always reminds parents that their child is special but not a unicorn thinking that I had the unicorn that it wouldn’t work for.

The other funny part is that just a few weeks before this, I worked with someone I’m really close with and her sweet baby had a really rough time the first few days; probably in the top five of the hardest compared to all of the families that I’ve worked with. And I felt so bad for her and honestly expected her to quit. Yet throughout all that hard, I was so confident that if she stuck with it a few more days, it would work.

And spoiler alert, she stuck with it and it did work, which is amazing.

But the irony! I know this works. I have seen it time and time again, but when it was my baby, when it was my unicorn, I questioned it. So all that to say, real mama over here, just because sleep training is basically my job, doesn’t make it easy and doesn’t take out the emotion of how tough it can be sometimes.

Night Wakings

Then in the middle of the night, James only woke once, which honestly felt so good already. When he woke up, we waited 10 minutes, just like I always tell my families to do. Then I had Jason go through the comfort measures of the chair method, so neither James nor I were tempted to nurse. But after about 20ish minutes, I decided to feed him and then put him back down.

I then walked through the comfort measures for a bit, but switched back with Jason because it just felt hard. I think his total wake time for that night waking, including the feed, was almost an hour and a half, which was not fun. That is a long time and it was not easy.

But also, compared to what sleep was like before, one wake up felt so good already.

Day One of Sleep Training for Naps

And the next day, simply not having to hold James for his naps already felt like a huge win!

The first nap took almost a whole hour for James to fall asleep. Jason did it while I was homeschooling the girls, and he said that there was a point around the 30-minute mark where James was almost asleep, but then it was almost like he got a second wind, which is of course really hard and frustrating.

And again, the pick-up always helped, but Jason said he would try to start falling asleep in that quick one to two minute hold, so it made laying him back down really, really brutal.

So then at the 45-minute mark, Jason actually ended up holding James what he thought was about seven minutes. And then when he knew James was for sure asleep, he laid him down and he stayed asleep.

When he came downstairs I asked how it went and he told me when he was getting close to the hour mark and didn’t want to do an emergency nap, so he just held him for those seven minutes.

And I told him that I was really thankful that James was asleep and in his bed, but I also said that it was really not ideal that he held him for those seven minutes. He thought he should try to avoid the emergency nap, and I explained what we really wanted to avoid was for James to learn that if he just cried and cried and cried, we’d eventually rock him to sleep.

Again, sleep coach moment, lots of grace, and also, we really shouldn’t let this happen again. So I did nap two that day, and it thankfully only took about 30 minutes for James to fall asleep.

Night Two of Sleep Training

I also decided to do night two, for the sake of really sticking to the chair method, and also to switch it up so James knew mom and dad were both going to respond in the same way.

And night two was really hard. Again, picking up was the only thing that really calmed James, which can be very normal for other families we work with. And as soon as I would lay James down, he would sit right back up. And when I would try to lay him down, he would just keep sitting up.

So I was cycling through voice, touch, and pick-up, and it just wasn’t helping. So after 30 minutes, I ended up just sitting there for about five minutes, occasionally using my voice, but often just being quiet. Then I would do that brief pick-up, then lay him back down and kind of repeat that.

James finally started laying down during this time, but he was still so upset. So around the 50 minute mark, I actually came downstairs to switch with Jason because I just couldn’t take it anymore. And in the like three minutes between me leaving and Jason going upstairs (I think he was literally standing at the door!), James fell asleep.

I remember sitting on the couch with Jason that night and I just kept saying my cortisol must be so high. My brain was so shot. I felt like I just needed to go to bed. Those 50 minutes were so hard!

Thankfully James only had one night waking that night again, and I just fed him. It didn’t bother me and I didn’t have the gumption to try to push through (though keep reading and I’ll explain my approach to his night wakings more).

Switching to Leave and Check

After night two, so on day two of naps, I decided to switch to more of a leave and check method, because Jason was gonna be counseling again during the day. I didn’t wanna leave my toddler for who knows how long, but also it just seemed like the chair method was too stimulating for James.

Not to mention it was tough on me!

When we work with families, we usually recommend a 10 minute leave and check, but with James, we started around like five to seven minutes since I really wanted to do the chair method (rule breaker!). And it worked! And after two days, we were up to 10 minute check-ins, sometimes even a few minutes longer because he was almost always asleep anyways.

James definitely caught on to what was happening, very quickly. As soon as we would turn the lights off, sound machine on, and we’d start singing his quick little sleep song, he would start grasping onto our shirt, kind of saying, “Please don’t lay me down!,” which was tough.

The clients we work with often share very similar things that as they start changing their baby’s diaper, as they enter their room, or as they’re reading books – their kiddo gets fussy and it’s like they know what’s coming.

And I always say that that’s really common. It means that the routine is doing its job, and I encourage parents that this will not last forever. It’s really helpful to have that perspective, and again, I had to give that same perspective to myself.

So that first week, once we started just doing check-ins, it usually took James anywhere from 10-30 minutes to fall asleep, which honestly felt like a dream. And by week two, we were not doing any check-ins at all; he was asleep before that 10-minute mark.

Two Lingering Issues

So after two weeks, our little James was falling asleep independently for all naps and bedtime. Everything was going really well overall and it truly felt like a night and day difference. We felt like new human beings!

But there were still two main sticking points. One, he was still crying rather than just rolling over and going to sleep, which is always the dream. And two, he was still eating one to two times in the night. So let’s talk about those.

Sticking point one: He was still crying as he fell asleep

For a good month or so after we sleep trained, James would still cry for three to seven minutes every time we put him down, for naps and bedtime.

This is another example where being a sleep coach really helped with this self-talk, especially after the worst was behind us. I reminded myself just like I remind families, as long as he’s falling asleep in less than 10 minutes and naps are going well and overnight was going well, it’s okay.

I knew that his schedule was okay and this was not due to drowsiness. I knew that sometimes it’s just a personality thing. The hope and the goal is always that kids would just fall asleep happily and contentedly, but I know that for some kiddos, they do just need to kind of let off a little steam and crying is almost how they put themselves to sleep.

Plus all of my kids had seasons where they cried to sleep, and they all came out of those seasons. I also knew that he was nine months old, which is prime separation anxiety time.

But now, as I write this about 6 weeks beyond sleep training, James now usually goes down without tears. He still sometimes cries out here or there, but for the most part, as we’re singing, he’s often reaching for the SlumberPod. And when we lay him down, he tucks his little bum right into the air and he wiggles and hums to sleep.

Sticking point two: He was still nursing 1-2 times overnight

Now let’s talk about the night feeds that were lingering. Despite feeling like new human beings, James was still waking up once or twice a night and I would just feed him and lay him right back down. Honestly, waking up once or twice a night to feed him and put him back down still felt so great compared to what sleep was like before.

But this was still happening three weeks after we started sleep training, and the sleep coach and mama in me knew that he did not need those feeds.

So why did I keep giving it to him?

At the beginning, especially, I was okay with the night feeds because one, he had such weird pooping. I thought maybe the extra hydration might help.

And two, he was used to getting so many calories at night that he wasn’t nursing as much during the day. So because we were essentially undoing that reverse cycling, I felt fine giving him those one to two night feeds as he adjusted to more calories during the day.

Another reason I was okay with those feeds sticking around is that I just didn’t have the heart to sleep train through those night wakings and hoped he’d naturally kick the habit himself (because so many babies do!).

However, I know that some babies need help kicking those final night feeds, and of course, my baby was one of those. He just needed some extra help getting there.

Sleep Training Through Night Wakings

First, if you’re wondering what it might look like to sleep train a baby through night feeds, I share a few different approaches here.

It was two nights before we were heading to my parents’ house for Christmas (not ideal timing!), but Jason and I were up late and heard James wake up. So we decided to sleep train through his night wakings, and he ended up waking up three times that night, anywhere from 10-30 minutes. And he was able to put himself back to sleep each time without any night feeds!

The second night he also woke up three times but was able to put himself back to sleep.

The problem was we were then heading to my parents’ house for several days, and we were going to be in a house full of people – and I didn’t need him waking anybody up.

So the first night we were there, James woke up around around 11:30, and fell back asleep after 5-10 minutes.

I texted my sister who was just down the hall from him and and asked if she heard him, and she said they had a sound machine so they couldn’t hear anything. So we were comfortable continuing to sleep train through night wakings there!

However, it was a Christmas miracle! We woke up Christmas morning and James had had no other night wakings that night. We didn’t have to sleep train through any more wakings, he just started sleeping through the night!

The “After” Effects of Sleep Training

In last week’s post, I pulled back the curtain on how not having a sleep-trained baby and how having to hold him for all naps impacted us. And let me tell you, we felt immediate relief when he started sleeping.

First of all, I’m a more patient mom. I no longer have to try to get and keep a baby asleep while also trying to homeschool while also trying to keep the toddler from scaling the pantry shelves or just doing something toddler-y.

I feel more attentive to my older kids. And there’s a lot more time when they have two parents’ full attention rather than one of us holding a sleeping baby.

I did a puzzle over Christmas and I’ve been learning to embroider! I’m reading again. We’ve gone on a few date nights and grandma and grandpa have put James to bed. I’ve had a girls’ night! And I feel like the exercises I’m doing are actually making me stronger.

My evenings are more predictable. Rather than having to choose the very most important thing to do ASAP because I wasn’t sure when I’d have to go upstairs and help the baby and then maybe just stay up there because he couldn’t sleep without me. Now I can get done what I need to get done and what I want to get done and then go to bed when I want to.

It has truly been life-changing!

And while I work closely with families doing this all the time, these last 10 months have really reminded me exactly what parents are going through before we work together. It’s reminded me of what it feels like during the sleep training process. And it has reminded me of how amazing it feels after.

There are so many emotions in all of it. You just want what’s best for your baby, and you also want sleep. The crying is really hard, but you know it’s their way of communicating a dislike of the change,

And there is so much confidence when you know what the outcome will be and when you know that this hard part of sleep training is so temporary, and that your baby is okay.

Conclusion

In wrapping up, I know it sounds strange, but I have to share how helpful it was having myself as my sleep coach! I know what’s normal and I know what’s not normal, and I was able to coach myself through that. I knew how to handle short nap days or just off days altogether. And I know when it’s okay to break rules and when I really shouldn’t break rules.

And I reminded myself to give myself grace.

WIth that though, if I were a family that I was working with, I would have raised some eyebrows. Like, “Hey Lauren, why did you feed him twice last night? Remember how he really shouldn’t need that? And remember how your goal is for him to sleep through the night?”

Or, “What do you mean you just switched to leave and check this morning? We really shouldn’t make those changes until bedtime.”

Having that combo of the plan, but also recognition that it’s hard, and I’m a real person, and extra grace – that’s exactly what I needed. And that’s exactly what we give our families here at Via Graces, because we want you to get these amazing results. And I’m not just talking about sleeping through the night! I’m talking about the date nights and the hobbies and more patience.

And we know that off nights will happen, or you might break a rule here and there. We remind you that nothing you do will ever make getting sleep impossible. Remember that sleep training is not an overnight act, it’s a process, and sometimes a tough one at that, and we all need some extra grace.

If you’ve read this and you’re looking for this level of sleep coach dialogue to help you sleep train your baby or toddler, we would love to work with your family! Learn more about what that would look like here.

With Grace,

Lauren