The last two weeks, I’ve shared about our tough sleep journey with baby number four. I shared what was going on in the first nine months of his life that prevented us from being able to sleep train, and then I shared what our sleep training journey looked like once we finally did it!

In those posts, I also shared about the co-sleeping that was happening during that first nine months, so today we’re going to be talking just that – co-sleeping.

My goal here is really to just have an honest conversation, and more of a middle-ground conversation than I think is normally had.

On social media, especially, you’re probably going to see co-sleeping talked about as pretty black and white – either, “Don’t you dare co-sleep, it’s so unsafe, how could you?” OR, “Co-sleeping is the most natural and instinctual way to sleep with our children. If your goal is secure attachment, co-sleeping is the way.”

So let’s dive in…

As a sleep coach, I do not recommend co-sleeping – in fact, in accordance with the American Academy of Pediatrics, I recommend families don’t co-sleep. Our job is to help parents get their little ones sleeping in their own beds, all night long.

AND, as a real mom to a baby who really struggled with sleep the first nine months of his life due to some airway issues, I am now much more well acquainted with co-sleeping, and want to have a real and honest conversation about it today.

So first, I’m going to start with my sleep coach hat…

Co-Sleeping from a Sleep Coach’s Perspective

I talk all about safe sleep for babies in this post, but a big part of safe sleep is babies sleeping alone, on their backs, and on a firm surface. And co-sleeping goes against pretty much all of those things – baby obviously isn’t sleeping alone when they’re in bed with mom and dad, which also means there are pillows and blankets around, and your mattress usually isn’t as firm as a baby’s crib mattress. Co-sleeping also often means baby is on their side as they cuddle in near mom or dad!

I don’t need to get into the details here, whether you’re a co-sleeping parent or not, we all know the risks of co-sleeping.

In this same conversation, with my sleep coach hat still on, I do make sure newborn families know about the “safe sleep seven.” In our newborn sleep course, Newborn Sleep from A to Z, I mention this Safe Sleep Seven for parents to learn more about, because there are absolutely safer and less safe ways to co-sleep.

I’m not going to share any details there, because it’s out of my scope and I’m not comfortable coaching someone in co-sleeping.  

AND I think it’s really important that parents know how to more safely co-sleep. Even if they have no plans to, it’s not uncommon to reach a breaking point of exhaustion at some point in those newborn days, especially, and sometimes co-sleeping feels like the only survivable option. So it’s important to know the Safe Sleep Seven.

Co-Sleeping from a Real Mom’s Perspective

Now transitioning into my mom hat…

I have never had a desire to co-sleep. Nor has my husband. It never felt safe, and I love my sleep, and it didn’t seem like a great way for me to actually get sleep!

Even in the exhausting nights of sleep with our oldest, we just didn’t resort to co-sleeping. I’d get up each and every time she woke up, and nurse or rock her back, then lay her back down, or try to lay her back down, and repeat.

I remember a few times when she got sick, we tried to co-sleep, just out of desperation, and it didn’t work! My husband always went to the couch because he wasn’t comfortable with a baby in the bed. Olivia was so stimulated from being in bed with mom that she didn’t sleep well. Or if she did, I slept terribly because I was so worried about her falling off the bed, so I slept in crazy positions trying to use my body to block both sides of the bed.

It just didn’t work.

With babies number two and three, we were able to establish a solid sleep foundation from the start, so co-sleeping was never a need! We absolutely had nights when Jason, my mom or I would take a few hour shift awake to hold them – so I’m not saying that they just slept like a dream from the get go. But it was temporary, and we just never had to resort to co-sleeping. If we needed to hold them for an extended period of time, we’d be awake.

But then came baby number four, sweet James, and boy did I become a co-sleeping mama. If you read this post, you’ll understand why it was really our only option for the first 12 weeks. And then continued happening on and off until he was 9 months old!

And it was really really hard.

I just did not sleep well when co-sleeping.

I couldn’t really choose what position to sleep in, because it was all about where he was and what position he was in. My body hurt!

If I had to go to the bathroom, I felt so stuck. I really don’t want to wake him up. I also really don’t want to pee holding a sleeping baby. I also really don’t feel comfortable leaving him here alone.

My evenings were not my own because he needed me in bed. I had things I wanted to get done, people I wanted to hang out with, places I wanted to go, non-baby holding things to do!

I felt like I always had to be partially alert and aware to keep my baby safe. I was aware of the moves he made. And the times he moved or changed positions, and I didn’t register it, were even scarier! It’s like I was partially nervous the whole night – talk about cortisol spikes and NOT rest and digest.

I feel like people who love co-sleeping talk about the sweetness, loving having their baby close, getting the best snuggles and how they sleep really well knowing where their baby is. And because their baby is in bed with them, the baby sleeps well. So they talk about it as if it’s the best way to get sleep when you have a baby!

And yes, some of the snuggles were absolutely sweet. Like waking up in the morning and seeing his squishy little self all cuddled up with me. It really was sweet, and some of those moments will be forever etched in my mind.

But what will also be forever etched in my mind is the pure exhaustion from not getting any real sleep for 9 months!

I will also say, those first 12 weeks, although I wasn’t sleeping well, James sure was! So you could certainly say co-sleeping was working well for him. Which I was thankful for – at least one of us was well-rested.

But then in the 6-9 month window when we were co-sleeping again, he was not sleeping very well. And I think it was airways, weird pooping issues, lack of sleep skills, and just being stimulated by being in bed with us. Sleeping in his own bed really wasn’t working, so we were co-sleeping out of necessity, but it still wasn’t working super well.  

And what’s funny, a few times when I shared that we were struggling with sleep – but maybe just the bullet points of he wakes up a lot, he needs so much help, rather than getting into all the nitty gritty of airway issues – there were some co-sleeping super fans who were like, “I know you’re a sleep consultant, but you should just co-sleep.”

To which I wanted to scream, “WE ARE! AND IT’S NOT WORKING!”

Or the classic phrase, “We were made to co-sleep – it’s instinctual. Look at how so many animals sleep. Maybe if you put a mattress on the floor and sleep with him there, he’ll sleep better.” One, no thank you. And two, there are a lot of things animals do that I don’t want to or need to mimic!

Co-Sleeping Works for Some, But Doesn’t Work for Others

So for those who co-sleep and love it, I’m so happy for you. Truly, our overarching goal at Via Graces is for everyone in the family to get the best sleep possible! But just because co-sleeping is working for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone – it really didn’t work for us!

It was never our desire, and we didn’t love it, BUT it was necessary in that season.

And here at Via Graces, we regularly work with families who are co-sleeping and need a change!

Maybe that’s because neither mom nor baby are sleeping well – co-sleeping has been the bandaid, but something needs to change.

Or maybe it’s because although baby is sleeping well, mom can’t handle the kicks to the side anymore.

Or maybe both mom and baby are sleeping well, but co-sleeping means no room for dad in the bed and mom and dad want to sleep together again! Or maybe both mom and baby are sleeping well, but the only way baby will nap is co-sleeping, and that’s just not working anymore. Or mom is going to be traveling for work agai,n and baby won’t sleep with dad, so they need another option.

Or they love co-sleeping, but they’re expecting another baby, and co-sleeping with a toddler and a newborn just isn’t in the cards.

Bottom line, families come to us all the time when co-sleeping isn’t working anymore, and they need a change!

Conclusion

My goal with this post is just to have some real talk about co-sleeping. To move beyond the sleep coach “it’s not safe” conversation, and to chat about how co-sleeping works really well for some, but often isn’t a solution for those sleepless nights for others!

Remember, like every other area of parenting, you have to decide what’s best for your family when it comes to sleep. Co-sleeping versus not, how many months will the baby be in your room, are you going to sleep train, will the siblings room share, when will you get rid of the monitor…

If you are currently co-sleeping with your baby or toddler and it works for you and you love it, and you’re all sleeping well, you do you. Please look up the Safe Sleep Seven and make safety a priority, but if it works for you, great. I’m not here to convince you otherwise.

But if you are currently co-sleeping and it’s NOT working for you, or your partner, or your baby, or if you are expecting and don’t plan to co-sleep, or maybe you have a baby who is just not sleeping right now and everyone keeps telling you to just co-sleep, I want to share from the forced-to-co-sleep-but-it-wasn’t-great perspective.

Co-sleeping isn’t always the answer! It’s not always the solution to the never-ending night wakings.

Like I said at the beginning of this episode, you’ll always find people who encourage co-sleeping and talk about how amazing it is and how natural it is and you’ll feel like you should to be a good, responsive mom.

AND you’ll find people that make you feel terrible and almost neglectful to co-sleep. Or accounts that make you feel like you have to sleep train to be a good parent!

So from the sleep coaches at Via Graces, I want to wrap this up by saying, you are a great parent because of the love you have for your precious child – not because of how you approach sleep with them!

I hope this conversation was helpful. This post isn’t about giving steps 1, 2, and 3 to solve a specific sleep challenge like many others are.

But I do want to say, if you are currently co-sleeping with your baby or toddler and you are ready to be done, but need some support getting there…we work with families like yours all the time! Yes, your little one is absolutely capable of going from co-sleeping to sleeping in their own bed, all night long. I shared about how we got our James doing just that last week! So click here if you’d like more info.

With Grace,

Lauren