Does your toddler or older child get nervous at bedtime? Are they afraid of the dark? Or of monsters in the closet? Or are they simply anxious around sleep, but unable to explain why?

Fears and anxiety around bedtime is common! Especially as kids’ imaginations start to run wild, or they see something scary in a book or movie. And if bedtime is already a struggle, this is an easy time for those fears to surface.

If your child experiences a lot of fear or anxiety around bedtime, I first want you to know that you’re not alone! I also want you to know that your child is still capable of sleep.

As an elementary teacher turned sleep consultant (and mom, of course!), I’m going to share 8 strategies I’ve used with my students, my girls, and the families that I’ve worked with.

In this post, I will explain:

• How using the monitor works to help your child who’s afraid at bedtime
• How to use a night light to help your child who’s afraid of the dark
• Why you should not use “monster spray” when your child is scared at bedtime
• How to use affirmations to keep your child’s mindset around bedtime positive
• How “planning dreams” can help with fears about bad dreams
• How to use social stories to help your child through bedtime fears and anxieties
• Cupcake breathing and how it can help with nighttime fears
• The “what next” strategy and how it can help with bedtime anxieties

I will also share what to do when the fears arise but it’s bedtime and sleep just needs to happen!!

8 Strategies to Help Your Child Through Bedtime Fears

We’re going to start with more “simple” or “basic” strategies, geared more toward toddlers experiencing fears at bedtime, and then we’ll keep getting deeper for the bigger kids who might have more anxiety around sleep.

1. Explain the Monitor

I remember this vividly when our oldest was two – we had just moved in with some friends so everything was new and different for her. And up until then she had been sleeping in our closet (because one bedroom apartment!).

So now that she was in her own room it was startling!

Simply showing her the monitor and showing her how we could see her and hear her was so helpful for her! This seems simple, but think about it – we are the ones using the monitor, not our kids! Why would they know we can hear them?

Understanding that we had a monitor on her made a huge difference!

2. Use a Night Light

Has your little one expressed a fear of the dark? If so, it’s NOT time to remove those blackout curtains…absolutely keep them up! We still don’t want sunlight impacting our kids’ sleep.

We do, however, want to help our kiddos through their fears, and using a night light might help do so.

Rather than buying a standard little white night light at the store, however, I recommend you use a night light with red or orange light. Red and orange lights do not interfere with sleep like a white or blue light do.

You might get something as simple as this, but I always suggest getting the Hatch Rest! Not only can you set it to be on a red or orange light through the night, but you can also use it as a toddler clock!

If, however, your little one has not told you they are afraid of the dark, do not bring it up. We don’t want to inadvertently suggest that darkness can be scary, as there’s a good chance they will start being “afraid of the dark” once you mention it. And no light is ideal for sleep, so if you can continue without a night light, great!

3. DON’T Use “Monster Spray”

This next strategy for helping kids through bedtime fears and anxieties is not so much of a do but a don’t do…

Don’t use “monster spray”!

It’s a really cute idea – get a spray bottle, fill it with water and a drop of lavender, and then before bed, or in the middle of the night, spray your child’s room to scare away any monsters and help them get back to sleep.

While it seems fun and harmless, it’s a bandaid solution I do not suggest parents use if their child is expressing fears at night time.

Spraying for monsters will not help your child stop fearing them, but will affirm that there could be scary things there that need to be sprayed away!

Because then what happens the next night, and the next night waking, and the next. What if you misplace the bottle? More monster spray?

How about, “Monsters aren’t real! They are in some of our books or shows, but that’s just pretend.”

Instead, talk about what’s true! “What IS in your room?” And have your child list things off – maybe even list off the red things, the purple things, the soft things, the smelly things. Not only are they talking about what’s true and real in their room, we’re taking their mind off of the monsters or whatever else is scaring them.

And in last week’s post about how to talk to kids about sleep, I talked about how anxiety about sleep is a very common reason both kids and adults struggle to sleep. So simply taking their minds off of the anxiety is a big deal!

This leads us into the next strategy to help with bedtime fears and anxieties…

4. Affirmations

We all know that mindset is huge when it comes to anything new, or hard, or scary. Which means helping our kids have a positive mindset around bedtime is important, because sleep is so good for us!

So again, if your little one is afraid of something like monsters in their room, or they’re just having some anxiety around sleep, in general, we can also give them a little phrase, or affirmation, stating what is true!

Something like, “I am safe, I am calm, I will sleep well tonight.”

Or you might find a quote, or a Bible verse that speaks about fears, and recite it with your child each night before bed.

Something like, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” (Psalm 56:3)

There’s a cute kid’s song that goes along with that Bible verse that we’ve sung with the girls since our oldest was two!

You can start saying the affirmations while brushing teeth, or snuggling into bed, after the kiss goodnight. Make it part of their nightly routine, and remind them that if they wake up in the night and are afraid, to say the phrase or sing the song!

We’re now giving our kids tools to use when they’re afraid, even when we’re not there, which will help them in many situations, not just sleep!

5. “Plan” Dreams

This next strategy might sound silly, but that’s kind of the point!

Another way to help your child through nighttime fears and anxieties is to “plan” their dreams! Ask them what they think they might dream about, and help them brainstorm ideas.

If they’re worried about having bad dreams, flip the script away from nightmares and talk about silly dreams! Not only does this take their mind off of what’s scaring them, but it lightens the whole mood!

Ask them what they think they might dream about, and help them brainstorm ideas. Then the next morning, follow-up about those dreams!

We used to use the language, “What adventures will you have in your sleep?”, and our daughter loved making up silly adventures she would have, and then share about those dreams the next morning. I don’t think she ever had any of the dreams she planned, but it changed our conversation from scary dreams to silly dreams!

And if your child is regularly having nightmares and night terrors, listen to episode 51 to learn what you might be able to do to prevent them, as well as how to respond to them!

6. Social Stories

The Kissing Hand is a classic beginning of the year story for preschoolers and kindergarteners. Mrs. Raccoon is trying to help her little Chester prepare to go to school without her.

She kisses his hand and teaches Chester that if he is feeling sad or misses home, to remember that kiss and know that mama’s love is there with him.

In the end, the little raccoon gives his mama a kiss on the hand at drop-off, reminding her that even when he’s at school, they can still be “together.”

I know, cue ALL the sentimental feelings!

But what a sweet book and strategy you can use with your own kids, whether they are going to school, trying a new sport, or learning to sleep in their own bed at night.

Kiss their hand before you leave the room, so it’s like you’re “there.” We did this when our oldest was three for a while when we tucked her in each night!

Or you could trace your hand, cut it out, and tape it to your child’s night stand, or on the wall by their bed. And remind them that if they’re nervous or miss you, touch the hand and remember that “you’re there.”

Or think about a lovey. If you haven’t introduced a lovey or stuffed animal, now might be a good time to do so! Or if they already have a lovey, give that lovey a hug, and tell your child if they’re feeling sad or afraid, hug the lovey and it’ll be like they’re hugging you.

Just a few weeks ago, I was kissing my almost eight-year-old goodnight, and she said, “Mom, can you hug my bear? I think it’s wearing off.” I don’t know the last time I hugged her bear, and honestly didn’t know that was even a thing for her! But apparently I hugged her bear at some point in the last year or so, when she was having a tough time at bedtime, and it struck a chord.

I’ve even known parents who have slept with the lovey for a few nights so it has their smell on it, and that’s helped their little one. Especially if they’ve co-slept for a long time and now are transitioning to sleeping on their own.

You never know what will stick with your kids.

A few of our other favorite social stories around fear and anxiety are:

• Ruby Finds a Worry
• Why We Say Goodnight
• The Invisible String
• It Will Be Okay
• What Do I Do With Worry?

7. Cupcake Breathing

Teaching our kids how to use breathing to help calm themselves down is a really important life skill, in general, and calling it “cupcake breathing” is a fun way to learn to do so!

Tell your child to pretend they’re smelling a delicious cupcake and then pretend they’re blowing out a candle. Doing this a few times in a row will help your child calm down and bring them to a space where they can think or speak more clearly again.

Practicing cupcake breathing during the day and at night will help it become more and more automatic for your child, so if they find themselves getting worked up, whether you’re with them or not, they can use their cupcake breathing to calm down.

Again, we’re giving them tools in their little tool belt to use when they find themselves fearful or getting anxious.

8. The “What Next” Strategy

I don’t remember why she was sharing it, maybe when my daughter was having a tough time with preschool? But I was chatting with a friend a while ago who’s a Biblical counselor, and she shared a strategy she has used with clients before, to help them move beyond what’s paralyzing them in the moment.

And I’m calling it the “what next” strategy.

Picture preschool drop off, and a child really struggling to let go of mom or dad. It’s easy to stay right there in the, “I love you, I can’t wait to hear about your day, it’s going to be so fun, look, there’s your friend!”

But that’s where all of the anxiety is happening.

So moving beyond that to, “I’m going to kiss you goodbye, and then you’re going to hang your backpack! And then you get to play with toys, I know you like dress up. After dress up, remember you have circle time? And then you’ll go outside!”

Your child probably isn’t in the space to tell you what’s next, so you walk them through what’s next. It gets their mind off of just drop off!

Or maybe it’s after school, and your little one is talking about being sad at school, so you walk them through this strategy. “I know you were so sad. What did you do after you put your lunch box away?” “I colored a picture with my friend.” “What did you do after that?” “We had circle time and my teacher read a story.” “What did you do after story time?” “We had a snack!”

You’re helping your child move away from that sad moment to thinking about all the fun that came next!

So when it comes to bedtime fears or anxiety with kiddos, that might look like, “After you fall asleep, what will happen next?” “I’ll wake up.” “Then what will happen after you wake up?” “I’ll come to your room.” “Yes, and I’ll give you the biggest hug and smooch. Then what?” “We’ll go downstairs.” “What next?” “We’ll eat breakfast.” “Mmm, what should we have for breakfast tomorrow?” Or maybe you simply offer all of these “what nexts.”

But do you see what’s happening here?

As both adults and kids, when our minds are so filled with anxiety, it’s hard step outside of that. It’s hard to see what’s next. But actively walking away from that moment and thinking about what did come next, or what will come next, can be really helpful.

What to Do When These Strategies Aren’t Working

I’ve shared sevearl different strategies we can use with kids struggling with bedtime fears, but what if they’re not working? We’ve done all the things, but it’s 9 pm, they have to sleep, what now?

This is where I talk about boundaries + grace + consistency.

Fears are real. Anxieties are real. And what we’re not going to do is slough our kids off. “Stop, you’re not scared. You’re fine.”

But what we also don’t want to do is hold their hands so tightly that we don’t equip them with these tools. “Aw, I’m sorry you’re afraid, I’ll just sleep with you tonight.”

Not that sleeping with your child is a bad thing. If it works for you, it works for you! But if you don’t regularly sleep with your child, or you have been but are ready to get back in your own bed, something has to change.

This is the boundaries piece! I will not sleep on my child’s floor all night. The closet light is staying off. If you scream at me I will leave the room. It’s like the whole, “You can be mad but not mean” thing.

AND, like I said, these fears can feel so real to our little ones. So we have to give them some grace!

Maybe that’s sitting with them or laying with them longer than usual that night. Or doing frequent check-ins to reassure them. Maybe that’s reading an extra book that night to get their mind somewhere else.

We’re holding the boundary that they will fall asleep and stay in their own beds all night, but we’re helping them through that process more than usual.

This happened with our oldest daughter sometime last fall. There was a night when she was having a really tough time at bedtime. And seemingly out of nowhere, it was really bizarre. She wouldn’t/couldn’t tell us what was going on, so I think my husband just laid with her until she fell asleep that night – we figured it was an off night!

Then the next night, same thing – we went to tuck her in and she started losing it! I took a turn this night and was really trying to get to the bottom of where this was coming from. I asked her if she was afraid, or if she felt sick or something.

Something else I didn’t want to do was ask about specific things she might be afraid of…like fear of the dark, I didn’t want to plant things she could be afraid of she wasn’t already afraid of.

She said that she was afraid but didn’t want to tell me. So remember how we talked about social stories?

Ruby Finds a Worry is one we have in our house and have read a lot. So I referenced that story and asked what made Ruby’s worry get really big – not talking about it. Then I asked what made her worry get really small – talking about it.

She finally shared that the other night she thought she saw yellow eyes in the corner of the room. Talk about scary! She obviously didn’t see yellow eyes in her room, but she felt like she did!

So I thanked her for telling me what was going on because now I could really help her. I told her that would feel really scary to me, too! And then I walked her through how I would handle something like that if it were to happen to me.

First, I would remind myself that there’s no way there could be yellow eyes in my room. That simply wasn’t true. And she knew that, but still – reminding ourselves of what IS true is a really important life skill!

We then looked around to see if there were any weird lights or reflections or something that could have caused that, and we couldn’t think of anything. We talked about closing our eyes, so we can’t see anything. I said how sometimes I snuggle close to daddy when I’m afraid, so she could hug her lovey or her pillow. This might have been when I hugged her bear, or even gave her the bear, because she didn’t care about sleeping with a lovey for the longest time.

I also told her if that happened she could come get us! I’d walk her back to her room and handle it like a nightmare.

I also told her when I’m afraid I pray, and sometimes don’t know what to pray so just say, “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.” I reminded her of the song, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you,” and how she can sing that!

All of these tools I’ve shared here, we’ve talked about at some point or another, so I was pulling them all out of her tool belt and reminding her of them. That didn’t just take the fear away, but I was reminder her of so many strategies she could use, and also making her feel less alone! Sometimes mommy gets scared, too!

I think I laid with her for a while that night as she was falling asleep, because again, grace – this isn’t her norm. But I left before she was totally asleep, because boundaries. We weren’t about to start a pattern of one of us lying there until she was fully asleep that night.

And the next night, I laid with her for a bit again, but left sooner. And I remember she fought a bit, because she was still scared – it was like the fear was becoming a pattern.

I reminded her of all of our strategies, and then also practically told her I had to go hang out with daddy, or check my email, or clean the kitchen. I don’t remember what, but it was that boundary of, you go to bed each night and I do my thing! But also grace – I’d check in on her every few minutes until she was asleep.

And I don’t remember if it was the next night or the following, but she didn’t fight at bedtime at all, and we were back to normal! It was having a firm boundary, it was giving her grace in those fears, and then consistency – she has slept in her own bed for the last 7.5 years. We always kiss her goodnight and then walk out. You need a little extra help right now, but we’re moving back to our norm.

Conclusion

I am all about teaching our kids (and parents!) to have CONFIDENCE when it comes to bedtime. Having fears is common; it’s a natural part of growing up. It’s also common for those fears to surface around bedtime.

But they don’t have to keep our kids from being great sleepers!

From the families I’ve worked with, it seems like sometimes the real “fear” is in not knowing how to sleep. Kiddos are unsure of what the night will look like and are therefore afraid.

What will happen if I get out of bed? Will I get in trouble tonight? Will I get to sleep with them tonight? Will they bring me back to my room? Will they stay with me until I’m asleep? But what if they leave once I’m asleep? What will happen then? Will they close the door this time? When does the hallway light turn off?

I have found that when we establish routines and boundaries around bedtime, that consistency makes our kids feel safe. They know exactly what to expect each night.

So that’s the goal of this post! Teaching you tools that you can in turn teach your kids so that when, not if, but when they get fearful or anxious at bedtime, they have a whole tool belt to choose from.

Please also know that none of this is an overnight “fix!” Like with everything in parenting, it takes patience, practice, and consistency, and of course, support!

And this doesn’t mean your child will never get nervous, but we’re giving them tools to start combating these fears so they can still get the rest they need.

When we work with families, we walk through a personalized sleep plan that will both address your child’s bedtime fears and also build consistency around bedtime and overnight, so they, too, can be confident and independent sleepers.

If you’re looking for more help when it comes to your child’s bedtime, we’d love to help! And there are two great ways we can do so.

First, we have a free bedtime routine chart and boundary cards printable that will help you figure out what boundaries at bedtime might even look like and how to establish them.

Or if you’re looking for more one-on-one support to help your child through tough bedtimes and/or overnights, we’d love to guide you through a step-by-step plan! You can learn more here.

And finally, if you’re interested in learning more about how we can best support you, book a FREE discovery call with us so we can share more about what it would look like to work together!

With Grace,

Lauren

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