People often think sleep consultants are just for babies – maybe for toddlers. But big kids??

Yes! Here at Via Graces, we work with kids up until the age of 8. And yes, we’ve worked with 8 year olds who have never slept in their own bed all night, or who have always experienced night wakings.

So if you have big kids who still aren’t sleeping, or who have hit a rough patch, it’s not hopeless!

We teach our kids “why”s all day long…

We have to shut the door so bugs don’t fly in, or so we don’t waste the AC. We have to clean juice up off the floor so someone doesn’t slip, or so ants don’t come. We have to clean our dishes after each meal so we have dishes for the next! We have to buckle up in the car so we are safe. We wear sunscreen to protect us from sunburn. We cover our mouth when we cough so we don’t spread our germs.

We’re not doing this when they’re six months old or 12 months old or 18 months old, but as they get closer to three we’re throwing in a lot more whys.

From my experience as a mom and a sleep consultant, however, parents don’t usually teach their kids about sleep as explicitly, but we can and I think we should!

So in this post, I’m going to share different ways we can talk about sleep with our kids, to not only teach them more about sleep and how it works, but to also equip them to start taking more ownership over their sleep that will even serve them into adulthood!

First, a story…

A few months ago, as I was tucking our oldest into bed, she said, “Mom, what if I have a hard time falling asleep tonight like I did last night?” Some anxiety seemed to be stirring up a bit for my 7.5 year old and I wanted to ease the anxiety.

I wasn’t going to say, “You’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” Because it could take her a while. I also wasn’t going to tell her I’d lay with her until she fell asleep, because that also wasn’t going to happen – she doesn’t need it.

But I thought about the day before, and I honestly don’t remember any of the details now, maybe it’s because it was extra rainy or super cold, but for whatever reason, we didn’t get outside that day. And that’s the night she had trouble falling asleep.

Was it purely because we didn’t have any outside time? Probably not, but it certainly could have been a factor.

Whereas this night, when she was worried, she had spent a lot of time outside that day, running around. So I said something like, “I don’t think tonight will be as tricky as last night. Yesterday we really didn’t get outside and you weren’t as active, but today you were outside a lot, running around. And being outside every day, and exercise, helps us sleep better.”

I wasn’t sloughing her off, simply saying, “she’d be fine.” I also wasn’t going to coddle her and be like, “Oh baby, I’m so sorry, mommy will lay with you until your asleep.” Not saying either of those would be wrong, but neither would be helpful in the long run!

Instead I used logic (and truth!) to potentially explain why the night before might have been trickier. I used that same logic to explain why tonight would likely be easier. I think I also said something like, “Last night is done, and tonight’s a new night.”

I also taught her something about sleep! That being outside, in the natural light and fresh air, plus being active, helps with sleep. Because it does! Which was also giving her a slice of knowledge that would help equip her as she gets older to take care of herself and protect her sleep needs.

And it was really cool to see the impact!

That night, she didn’t have trouble falling asleep. Again, was that purely because she had outside time? Probably not, but maybe! But from there, she really took it upon herself to get outside every day!

We try to prioritize outside time every day, anyway, but on days when I needed to stay in the house to get something done but sent the girls out, I didn’t get push back from her like I sometimes would because she recognized how good it was for her.

She even asked a few times, “Mom, I didn’t get outside today. Do you think I’m going to have a tricky sleep?”

And I’ll be honest, on one hand I was like, “Uh oh, I was trying to help her but don’t want her feeling stuck if she doesn’t get outside!” But instead I took it as another teaching moment and reminded her of all the couch flips she did, the heavy lifting to turn the nugget into a fort, and the dance parties. And that she was still active, and that really helps.

Not only did this use of logic and reasoning help her understand why sleep might have been tougher one day more than the other. It also helped her better understand sleep and how our bodies work, so she could start to take some ownership over her health, in a way.

Using that logic also took away the anxiety!

We all know, as adults, that when our minds are racing, we’re anxious about something, or running through our to do lists at night, it makes sleep a lot more challenging. If I would have simply told my daughter, “You’ll be fine, just go to sleep,” she likely would have continued worrying about not being able to sleep, and guess what…she likely would have had a tough time falling asleep again that night.

But using simple reasoning with her and comparing the difference from yesterday to today and applying that to bedtime, seemed to get her mind away from the anxiety of not being able to sleep, and believing the logic of sleeping well that night made a big difference.

Not long after that I was working with a family of a five-year-old and they were asking me some questions about how to explain to their son the sleep changes we were going to make. And again, we used logic and reasoning.

And they were shocked at how simple it was!

So now I’d like to chat about practical ways you can talk about sleep with your child; how to give them some buy in and teach them! Maybe that’s to help some of their fears, or to help you make necessary changes in their routine. Either way, you’ll learn how to slowly give your child pieces of sleep education that will help them continue to take more and more ownership over it as they get older.

Which to be honest, thinking about how many adults struggle with sleep (hence our adult sleep coach, Kathryn), we all probably could have used more of this education as kids and teenagers to set ourselves up better.

So one example is the story I just shared with you about my daughter.

How to Talk to Kids Who Don’t Like Their Door Being Closed at Overnight

The next example of how you can talk to your kids about sleep is what I chatted about with that five-year-old’s parents. This sweet boy slept with his door wide open and part of our plan was him sleeping with the door shut. But mom and dad were like, “He is going to fight that so badly, what do we say to him?”

Could they say, “Because I said so”? Sure.

Do you think that would have been effective? No.

So I told them one, they could blame me. A lot of parents refer to me as the “sleep teacher,” so it’s my fault we’re making these changes.

But then I said, “Tell him that firefighters say it’s safest for our doors to be closed when we’re sleeping.” Because that’s true! And even just knowing that this super-hero of a firefighter says closed doors might honestly be enough.

It was for this child!

Do we need to go into all the details about how if there’s a house fire, having a closed door could keep the fire and smoke out for longer, making a huge difference in the safety of those behind the doors? NO! That might induce some unnecessary anxiety.

But if they ask why, we can say that although the chances of a fire are slim, it’s just one of the ways we prepare. Just like we have smoke detectors and a fire extinguisher, we keep our doors closed when we sleep!

This is not to say it won’t ever be a fight again, but we’re giving our child a legitimate why (aside from mom and dad want to do life when you’re sleeping) and they can be part of that safety keeping!

How to Talk to Kids Who Want A Lot of Light on When They Sleep

Another example I used with another client recently is with the lights. Their daughter wanted every light on possible, and while the parents were able to keep the overhead light off, she had the closet light on, the bathroom light on, and a super bright night light. And these parents were terrified of the fight that would ensue from turning them all off!

Now yes, there is a space where we just are going to keep the lights off because we know what’s best, and this is just the new norm. As parents, we do make those call for our kids because we know what’s best!

But it generally makes it so much easier when we can invite them into the conversation and invite them into the why.

So beyond the simple, “This is what we’re going to do now,” you can say something like, “The lights have to be off and the room nice and dark because that’s how our bodies are made. Light tells our brains to wake up, but we need to sleep!”

And then remind them that a night light is totally fine, and give them the choice between red or orange. And if they fight it, explain that blue lights or white lights can also make sleep trickier!

How to Talk to Kids Who Ask Why We Have to Sleep

Now let’s think about the kids who say they hate sleep, or they don’t want to go to sleep, or they always ask why – why do I have to sleep?!?!

Teach them about why we sleep!

“Baby, I know you want to keep playing this game or catching fireflies, but it’s time for bed! God made our bodies to need sleep. Sleep is when our brains remember what we learned and did that day, it’s when our bodies heal, and when our muscles grow stronger!”

When you think about it, it’s really amazing all that our body does when we’re sleeping, so invite your child into that amazingness!

How to Talk to Kids About How Food Can Impact Sleep

Another example is with food! If your little one usually has a bedtime snack, or they’re asking for one, either choose the snack for them, or give them a few options.

And if they wonder why they can’t have a smoothie right before bed, tell them, “Fruit is so good for us, but it has some natural sugars in it that can make sleep harder. That’s why smoothies are better during the day or with our meals!”

You probably won’t be directing your child’s bedtime snacks when they’re a teenager, but by teaching them all of this now, they’ll hopefully know how to make choices that support their sleep because you’ve been planting those seeds from a young age!

How to Talk to Kids About Using Screens Too Close to Bedtime

Same thing with screen time before bed. Sure, the occasionally movie night likely won’t impact your kids. But a show every night before bed? Not the best idea, just like scrolling your phone from bed isn’t ideal.

So if your child currently watches screens before bed and you’re about to make that switch, explain to them, There’s this cool thing in our body called melatonin that helps us fall asleep at night! But when we watch TV, that light is telling our body it’s not sleep time, and melatonin can’t do its job. So if we try to go to bed right after, we might have a tough time.”

Again, we’re not only inviting our kids into the why now, but helping set them up for better sleep hygiene as they get older!

How to Talk to Kids About Anxiety at Bedtime

I want to touch on anxiety around sleep just a bit, but will more fully dig into it next week.

Remember that story of my daughter asking if it would take as long for her to fall asleep tonight as last night? On other occasions when she’s shared that, or has been nervous about having a bad dream again or something, I’ve told her to try to tell herself that she WILL sleep well, and she WON’T have bad dreams.

Not at all in the “speak it into existence” space, but more in the, “the more we worry about sleep, the harder it will be to sleep.”

Our adult sleep coach, sees this with her clients all the time!

When we’re anxious about sleep and how long it will take to fall asleep and if we’ll wake in the night, and what time we’ll wake up in the morning – not to mention all of the other anxieties about life we could be thinking about – of course sleep is going to be harder. Those anxious thoughts keep us up!

Now you obviously have to be careful about how you communicate this to kids, because you don’t want them getting more anxious about being anxious about sleep being tough – but I’ve said things like, “Thinking about sleep being hard can actually make it hard, so try to help your brain think about something else!”

And then I give my daughter other things to think about and we move on and don’t dwell in that place of anxiety, otherwise what’s she going to do – dwell there.

Like I said, anxiety at bedtime and different fears aren’t usually as simple as, “Don’t think about it,” so we’ll do a deep dive next week.

But thinking about how to talk to our kids about sleep…I think it’s good for them to know that thinking so much about being worried about sleep could actually make sleep harder!

Again, we’re trying to set them up for lifelong good sleep!

How NOT to Speak to Kids About Sleep

In all of, I want to share once last piece about how NOT to communicate with our kids about sleep – we never want to make sleep feel like a bad thing or a punishment.

We’re not going to say things like, “If you hit your brother again, you’re going to bed early.” Or, “Oooooo, if you keep fighting me while I brush your teeth, we’re not reading any books tonight.”

We never want to use sleep a punishment, otherwise your child will likely learn to hate it, or resist it, or see it as a negative thing.

But by changing the way we talk about sleep, and inviting our big kids into some whys behind what we do around sleep, we can show them that sleep is GOOD! And we can set them up for more sleep success as they get older and take more responsibility over their routine, and bedtime, and evening habits.

Conclusion

One tough part with working with older kids is certainly their smarts and language development, as they can fight sleep way more and pushback on changes you’re trying to make.  

But their smarts and their language development can also be used big time to help them in their sleep journey, by bringing them into the conversation.

And that’s the goal of this post. To give you tangible examples, from my own family and others I’ve worked with, to teach you how to talk to your kids about sleep. And not just that they have to sleep because it’s bedtime and mommy and daddy are in charge, but because of how we’re all created, and how some things help us sleep, and other things hinder our sleep.

You don’t have to get all sciencey; use very simple and clear language. Ideally this sleep education, if you will, will continue to serve them as they get older and prioritize healthy sleep habits!

Also remember that just because you talk to your child about sleep and why it’s important and why their routine is the way that it is, doesn’t mean they’re all of a sudden going to love it, or happily accept any changes you’re trying to make. And that’s okay – that’s normal – and you can still hold the boundary that the door will still be shut, lights will still be off, and still no screens before bed.

And if it’s tough – tell them, “I’ll come check on you in a few minutes,” or “We’ll watch that show after lunch,” or, “We can have a smoothie for breakfast!”

And if you can’t imagine making sleep changes on your own and want some help? That’s what we’re here for! To give you a step by step plan for what to do when those boundaries get pushed on so you feel confident moving forward and reaching real sleep for everybody.

You can learn more about how we can help get your whole family sleeping well right here.

With Grace,

Lauren