Last week, I started a mini-series on common sleep training hesitations, and we kicked it off with a big one – does sleep training harm attachment?

This week, we’re continuing with another common hesitation, which is all about crying:

• “How much crying will be involved?”
• “Will my baby have to cry?”
• “How long will they cry?”
• “Do I have to let her cry it out?”

In this post, I’ll break down what the norm is when it comes to crying during sleep training, as well as practical steps you can take so your baby sleeps better without unnecessary crying – and how we help families do this every week.

Does crying have to be involved when sleep training?

For some, this is an uncomfortable conversation because no one loves to hear their baby cry. But we’re entering the uncomfortable, and I’m going to come right out of the gate and say yes, there is going to be some sort of crying when sleep training.

There’s not really a “no cry” sleep training method. There are more “gentle” sleep training methods, but what “gentle” sleep training means is not less crying, and it doesn’t mean better or kinder or more attachment-focused. When you hear someone say “gentle” sleep training, it generally means they just have a more hands-on approach.

We have a lot of families come to us at Via Graces because one of the methods we use is the chair method, which would fall into the category of “gentle” sleep training. I’m thankful for it!

But I want to make sure I’m really clear here, “gentle” sleep training doesn’t mean less crying. It might – I always hope it does, or that the interactions help. But depending on the baby’s personality, sometimes more interaction can actually make the crying worse!

I try to explain that the parents’ role in sleep training is to bring reassurance, which sometimes looks like comfort, where the baby slows their crying, but sometimes the baby remains upset.

So, when sleep training, will your baby have to cry? I can pretty confidently say yes, your baby will cry. We are going to be making changes, your baby doesn’t understand those changes, they are going to have feelings about it, and crying is how they communicate that.

And that’s okay!

Are there babies who don’t cry when sleep training? Maybe, but I would say they’re the unicorns, for sure.

So yes, if you are about to sleep train or considering it, expect there to be crying.

For how long will my baby cry during sleep training?

Now that often leads to the question, “How long will my baby cry?”

This is certainly going to look different for every baby, because temperament absolutely plays a role in sleep training.

But when working with families, we always want to set expectations so you have some sort of norm to hang on to as you get started.

So what we tell families of babies is that on night one of sleep training, it generally takes between 30-45 minutes for a baby to fall asleep. And for toddlers, that average is generally 45-60 minutes on night one. It could be longer, it could be shorter, but that’s average.

And this is honestly regardless of the sleep training method you use. Here at Via Graces, we use the chair method or leave and check, so that’s where I’m coming from with these averages.  

Now, does that mean baby is crying the whole time? Or does that mean your toddler is screaming or angry the whole time? No!

I always hope not, as that’s really tough. And in both of the methods we use, the chair method or leave and check, a brief pick up is an option. So the hope is that there are breaks in that crying time.

But do some babies cry the whole time? Yes, I’ve certainly seen it happen. Because temperament is real! And do toddlers protest the whole time? I’ve certainly seen it happen.

I wish there were an easy button we could push to make it stop! But unless you “give in” and just nurse them to sleep, or pull them into bed with you again, it’s going to take time. Because we’re teaching them a new skill when sleep training, and that is independent sleep!

And learning a new skill takes time.

The other expectation I want to share here, however, is that these 45 minutes of crying won’t last for the entire 2-3 week plan. With babies, we’re talking three, maybe four days, and from night one to night four, we should already see a decrease in crying.

With toddlers and young kids, that might be closer to a week, but I’d say usually more like five days, and we’re seeing a decrease.

This is why we love working one-on-one with families! So that if we get to day five and the crying really hasn’t changed, we’re going to be making some adjustments – maybe that’s with the method, or routines, or schedule – but something needs to change at that point.  

We’ve had families come to us who have been trying to sleep train, and their baby cried for over two hours, and they either finally fell asleep, or the parents finally gave in and quiet! Or they’ve been sleep training for three weeks and their baby is still crying for 45 minutes every night.

THAT SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!

And as sleep coaches working alongside families, crying is one piece of the puzzle we’re paying attention to as we track your log and help you determine what’s next!

I actually peel back the curtain on our own sleep training journey with our baby James in this post and how it was a lot harder on me than I anticipated! And he took longer to fall asleep on night one than the 30-45 minute average.

I share how we adjusted our sleep training method because of that, and despite some of the hard, it was truly life-changing after 9 months of sleeplessness!

Now, all of this talk of crying might have you freaked out. Or if you go into the dark hole of social media, you might hear me saying all of this and think, “This is cry-it-out, run away!!”

So please hear this: here at Via Graces, we are not “cry-It-out sleep trainers”.

Crying-it-out literally means you lay your baby down, walk away, and you don’t come back until a desired time in the morning, no matter the protest. And we simply will not ask a family to do that!

So me saying your baby will cry during sleep training doesn’t mean this is cry-it-out. It means your baby is a real human being, learning something new, and they have feelings about it. And crying is how they’re going to share those feelings!

Also hear me say, though, that as sleep coaches, we do try to minimize crying, for everyone’s sake!

How We Minimize Crying During Sleep Training

Now let’s shift gears a bit and talk about what we do to try to minimize crying during sleep training! And just to clarify, I’m not saying so your baby doesn’t cry. And I’m not saying to get them below that 30-45 minute average on night one.

Because again, we can’t avoid all crying.

But there are four things that we do, as sleep coaches, to make sure families avoid excessive crying that so many have experienced when trying to sleep train on their own.

1. Make Sure Baby’s Practical Needs are Met

The first way we minimize crying when sleep training is probably the most obvious, but it needs to be said – we want to make sure your baby is fed and comfortable!

That’s why we talk about feeding your baby in their sleep training plan. And it’s why we talk about what to do if your baby doesn’t eat much before bed. We want to make sure we’re not just going to feed them to sleep, but we also want to have confidence that they’re not upset due to hunger!

This is also one reason we don’t recommend the cry-it-out method. We want you to know that your baby doesn’t have a dirty diaper, because sometimes babies poop when they’re really upset! With the chair method, you’re literally right there and will smell or even hear them poo.

And with leave and check, you can still do a sniff check when you pop in there to know that they don’t have a dirty diaper.

These check-ins also allow parents to pick up and burp their baby, if they think that’s an issue, or even apply eczema cream, if they’re nervous the baby is itchy.

So making sure their physical needs are met is of course a biggy here.

2. Optimize their Sleep Schedule

The second way we try to minimize crying during sleep training is by optimizing your baby or toddler’s sleep schedule! I talk all about overtiredness and undertiredness in this post. But undertiredness is a pretty sure-fire way to get more crying. And too much overtiredness could get you more crying, or just harder crying, although likely for a shorter time.

So if you don’t have our free baby schedule guide, that’s a great place to start.

But as sleep coaches, we think about what’s age-appropriate and pair that with what your child’s current norm is, and what their patterns are, and we give you that schedule.

3. Avoid Drowsiness

The third piece to minimizing crying when sleep training is probably one you’re not thinking about, and that is avoiding drowsiness.

If your baby or toddler is drowsy or half-asleep when you lay them down to nap or at bedtime, you’re likely setting them up for way more crying. And this is because drowsiness is essentially the first stage of sleep, for all of us!

So when nursing or a bottle is the last step of the bedtime routine, and your baby is super heavy-eyed, that drowsiness could actually be cutting off a bit of the sleep pressure we want building up to help them fall asleep.

Or if you sing and cuddle your little one for five minutes before laying them down, they could be getting into that drowsy, almost asleep state, and then bam, you lay them down, they pop back awake and are like, “Nope! You can try that all over again.”

That sleepy edge has been taken off – we’ve messed with that sleep pressure – and now they need to build it up again.

I also talk more about the best bedtime routines for babies and toddlers here, so make sure you read that if you’re curious to hear more about how to avoid drowsiness.

4. Have a Plan and Be Consistent

And the fourth piece to minimize crying when sleep training is having a plan and being consistent.

Knowing what you’re going to do when you lay your baby down, how you’re going to respond, are you going to feed them in the night or not, and if so, when? What do you do when the nap just isn’t happening, or if they wake up at 5 am?

Because you having a plan means your little one can more quickly catch on to what’s happening.

If you sleep train at nighttime but then rock them to sleep at naps, that’s confusing – it’ll likely take longer for them to catch on to falling asleep at nighttime. Or if you pull them into bed with you at 5 am and let them sleep with you that last hour of the night, it might take longer for them to catch on altogether, which is more crying.

Before officially sleep training our oldest, our “plan” was to let her cry for 10 minutes. Sometimes we were able to wait the full 10 minutes, but sometimes we just couldn’t handle her crying.

Regardless of whether we caved early or went in at the 10-minute mark, our “plan” was to then nurse or rock her to sleep. But that wasn’t fair! Why in the world would we make her cry for 10 minutes to then just put her to sleep?!

So then we upped it to 12 minutes, thinking surely 12 minutes would be the magic number and she’d fall right asleep. But nope, we’d always go in at that mark and help her to sleep.

We basically taught her to just keep on crying and we’d eventually come in and rescue you. Not fair for either of us!

So if you’re going to sleep train, don’t be like us and MAKE A PLAN! That consistency, along with optimizing their schedule and avoiding drowsiness, will go a long way!

And if you want a step-by-step sleep training plan personalized for your baby’s needs and temperament, as well as guidance during the 2-3 week plan so you feel confident your sleep goals will actually be met, that’s what we do here at Via Graces! And we’d love to help you, too. Book a free call with us so you can learn more about how we can support your family through the sleep training process.

Conclusion

The goal of this post is to talk about a common sleep training hesitation, and that is crying. The plan is to be transparent that sleep training will involve crying, and to give you realistic expectations for how much crying that might be.

The plan is also to minimize crying during the sleep training process, because we’re real people and hearing our little ones crying is hard!

I also want to acknowledge that no one likes to hear their child cry, and sleep training can feel really scary because of that.

And if you’re listening to this saying, “This is all easy for you to say, Lauren, sleep training is your job!” First, please remember I’m a mom of four, so I’m in the trenches, just like you. And sleep training is my job because it was so so hard with my oldest, and I knew there had to be a better way!

I figured it out on my own, and while we eventually got there, it was bumpy, and it was hard. And I don’t want other families to think they have to figure it out themselves.

Finally, I know crying is hard, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming, and it doesn’t mean your child won’t ever learn how to sleep. And the crying doesn’t mean your attachment or bond is being harmed – if this is where you’re still stuck, make sure you check out last week’s post about attachment.

And remember, if you want a personalized plan where we walk you through how to respond to the tears so you feel confident that the result will be sleep, check out how we can help you here.

With Grace,

Lauren