This week, I am interviewing my teammate, Maura, and she is sharing about her fertility journey and how that impacted her mindset around her son James’ sleep when he was a baby, and how that continues to impact her parenting mindset today.

We’re going to bring to light how when families had to wait a really long time to finally have their miracle baby, there can be a lot of guilt associated with sleep training, specifically, as they think they should simply be thankful they have their baby, not frustrated with their sleep.

Can you share some of your fertility journey with us?

Growing up, I had chronic signs and symptoms that something with my cycle just wasn’t right. I had regular pain when I was on my period, but being born in the early 80s, I never felt like doctors were really listening to me or trying to figure out what the problem was.

That led to years of wondering if I was just making this up, simply taking Tylenol when I was in pain, and guessing this must be normal. But I knew deep down something wasn’t right!

When my husband and I got married, we knew we wanted to have kids, so after a year of trying and not getting pregnant, we wondered what else might be going on. We weren’t overly concerned at this point but wanted to make sure everything was okay.

My OBGYN dismissed the pain I had with my period as well as how irregular my cycles were, and she said we were having trouble conceiving because of our high-stress jobs and traveling. So she recommended all the “bells and whistles,” including an ovulation kit and tracking my body temperature, so I did! I even cancelled work trips to try to manage the stress more.

We then moved and it took me a while to find a new OBGYN I really liked and trusted. By the time we found her, we had been trying to get pregnant for about three years and were distraught at this point.

She immediately asked really great questions, and in our first or second meeting together, she plainly said, “You have endometrioses and PCOS.” She said the signs and symptoms I had been experiencing since I was a teenager were classic for those conditions, and she couldn’t believe I was never tested for them.

So she did several tests, she removed the fibroids they found, and then matched us with a fertility specialist. She confirmed that our infertility was not merely stress-related, but that we needed more tests to be run.

Once we met with the fertility specialist, they did further testing for viability, and then explained our options, including IUI and IVF – we agreed we’d do anything and everything we needed to do!

Throughout that year of continuing to try, we experienced a lot of heartbreak and felt like we were exhausting so many resources and we were just tired. Then COVID hit when I was full of hormones and ready for my next procedure, but the clinic shut down because these services were deemed “medically unnecessary.”

I’ll never forget that phone call – my OB was almost as upset as we were, and she encouraged us to not lose hope and to continue trying to conceive.

Then low and behold, I missed a period that next month, but assumed it was because of irregular cycles. Once I realized I was six weeks late, I took a pregnancy test and my jaw dropped – we were finally pregnant with our miracle baby.

Having waited so long for James, how do you think your mindset about parenting, in general, might be different than that of a parent who didn’t share the same journey?

This is not a black-and-white answer, comparing those who have struggled with infertility and those who haven’t, but this is my experience.

When I finally gave birth to James, most of my friends had had kids for over a decade and here I was having a newborn. I remember hearing them share parenting struggles that I just didn’t relate to at the time. I found myself thinking, “You have no idea what struggle is, you have a baby – look at what we’re going through!”

I wasn’t resentful of them and knew that their struggles were important and valid, but their struggles didn’t seem like mine.

Fast forward to now having a child, I often see people talk about “wine o’clock” on social media because they’re so relieved their kids are finally in bed, and I just don’t feel the same way because of what we went through to get to James. I genuinely wake up each morning thankful he’s mine and go to bed each night grateful for all of the memories we made that day.

Or we go to birthday parties and hear parents complaining about their kids, and we just don’t share the same complaints. When you’ve struggled for so long to have a child and they’re finally here, your parenting mindset just comes from a different place.

And I think this is an important conversation to have openly with others!

Now let’s talk sleep and sleep training, more specifically. As sleep consultants, a trend we’ve both found is that parents who had a harder time getting pregnant take longer to ask for help sleep training, hit more of a rock bottom, or have a tougher time with the process altogether. Can you help unpack that?

Before I found Via Graces, I was not fully happy allowing James to sleep on me every night. I remember sitting in the rocker thinking, “This is the baby that I’ve wanted for so long and I’m so thankful. I’m thankful he’s crying and that I can help him; he needs me. This is just what I’ve got to do for him.”

And most of my friends had their kids 10+ years before me, so many didn’t really know sleep training was a thing, or at least didn’t know much about it. And their perspective was that of, “You just suck it up and deal with it.”

So we did for a while, but eventually my husband’s extensive travel for work, on top of not living near family who could help us, was really taking its toll. Holding James all night long just wasn’t sustainable for our practical lives and also our mental health.

So one night I was scrolling on Instragram and searched “night nurse,” then landed on some sleep training pages, and I found a few “one-stop-shops” with online sleep training programs, so I tried a few, but they just weren’t sticking.

I definitely had some guilt at the beginning of sleep training, because I didn’t have someone assuring me that this was okay and I didn’t need to feel guilty.

With my rose-colored-glasses mentality, I remember thinking, “I can sustain this sleeplessness for longer, it’s not that bad.” I was willing to put up with it because James was such a joy. However in the same breath, I found myself slipping and not feeling like me anymore, and knew something needed to change. But again, felt like I shouldn’t feel that way because he was my miracle baby.

Fasto forward to finding Via Graces and working with Lauren, I found someone I could put my trust in (just like my wonderful OBGYN!), and then I was confident the sleep training method and support, and no longer carried the guild of, “I’m doing something wrong.”

And once James was actually sleeping, I realized how hard it had been before! (To learn more about our sleep journey, read here!)

A perspective I wish I would have had back then is that I never did something wrong that kept me from getting pregnant and I wasn’t doing anything wrong wanting to sleep train. The infertility wasn’t my fault, and the sleeplessness wasn’t my fault.

But we found trusted people who could help us, and after sleep training, I was a better mom once we could all get consolidated sleep, because now my mental health was more intact.

As a mom who struggled with infertility, and then had her miracle baby and struggled with sleep, who then sleep trained that beautiful boy, and who is now a sleep consultant helping other families do the same…what would you say to those families who feel guilty sleep training this miracle child?

Please know that nothing has been your fault. In seekingout the help that you need, or just being curious about what that help might look like, you’re doing nothing wrong.

I believe one of the greatest gifts of love you can give to your child is a consolidated night’s sleep. I also believe one of the best gestures of love to yourself in that process is also a full night of sleep!

My best advice is that you don’t have to hire a sleep coach, but we’re here to be your guides and friend, confidant and coach, and accountability buddy when you need it. Sleep training is so worth the investment of your time and emotions and it’s a beautiful gift! I think you’ll find that you’re a better parent when you’re rested.

So if you want to sleep train, do it! Don’t let guilt rob you of the rest that comes from a full night of sleep and the joy that comes with a well-rested baby.

Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Remember to always be your own advocate in any journey you’re on, whether that’s infertility, sleep challengs, mental health, parenting, etc.

And know that there are people out there who have gone through what you’ve been through, and there are so many people who can and want to share in the joy you find in the solutions.

Conclusion

The purpose of this post is to simply have a conversation that others might not be having. So whether you have or are currently struggling with infertility, or have a friend who is struggling, our goal is to shed light on something that might not be chatted about often but is important to recognize!

We want to share an example of one family’s fertility journey and how it continues to impact every day they parent their sweet boy. To bring to light the turmoil and sometimes guilt so many parents feel about things like sleep training, and to also encourage you that it is not wrong to want more sleep, both for you and your baby – in fact, it’s a huge gift, whenever you’re ready!

We also want to lean into the reality that when it comes to infertility, it can feel like nothing has gone according to plan. And now you have to make so many extra plans and hold on tight to a maybe or hopefully to see if you’ll get that precious baby or babies. And now every day you snuggle that little one, or watch them finish the puzzle, or win the game, your heart bursts with joy knowing the journey it took to get there.

As you make decisions around feeding, sleep, school, and all of the other choices we have to make, remember to give yourself grace! You are the best parent for your little one and you’re doing great; there is no right or wrong here.

And when it comes to sleep, specifically, if you’re nervous to sleep train, or don’t know where to start, or don’t want a cookie-cutter plan from the internet, know that we are not only a team of sleep consultants who personalize our sleep plans and support for your child and family, but we are also real mamas who understand the highs and lows of parenting and want to walk alongside you in them.

With Grace,

Lauren & Maura