If your baby used to fall asleep happily and now suddenly screams the second you walk toward the crib, or they now sit up and cry the moment you lay them down, this post is for you.
This week, we’re talking all about how separation anxiety affects baby sleep, and next week we’ll cover how separation anxiety impacts toddler sleep.
In this post, we’ll cover:
- When separation anxiety usually starts impact baby’s sleep
- Why separation even happens, developmentally
- Signs separation anxiety might be impacting your baby’s sleep
- Bedtime strategies for helping your baby through this separation anxiety
And more!
When do babies experience separation anxiety?
Being able to say when babies experience separation anxiety isn’t as straightforward as I know you want it to be. If you’re like me, you want me to tell you that your baby will go through separation anxiety around 9 months old.
I wish it were that simple!
I have found 9ish months old to be the most common time babies experience separation anxiety, and this just comes from my personal kiddos and then professional experience in the sleep world.
But when I look it up, it seems like it can really crop up between 6-10 months old. This is a really wide range for babies, and it’s because development looks different for every baby, and so does temperament.
I also want to say that your baby might not really go through a separation anxiety phase – you may not notice a set time where they seemed to have a tougher time having any sort of separation from you, and that’s okay.
Or oppositely, you may not notice a specific time of separation anxiety because your baby has been a velcro-baby from day one!
So it’s just not always super straightforward or obvious, and that’s okay.
Why do babies experience separation anxiety?
Somewhere between 6-10 months old, as babies are exploring the world around them, they reach the milestone of “object permanence” – they are learning that just because something disappears doesn’t mean it’s gone.
Think about playing peek-a-boo. Your baby slowly but surely starts to learn that you were actually there the whole time!
Your baby starts noticing that you hid the toy under the blanket, and they start trying to get it back.
Or when you walk into the other room and don’t bring your baby with you, they think, “Wait, mom was here. Now she’s not, where did she go? Is she coming back?”
As parents, it’s often around this time that we find that our once content baby wants to be everywhere we are – they need to see us at all times. They want to be held more, they want to be closer in proximity, they’re much clingier than they used to be.
And I need you to hear me say that this is very normal – you’re not alone in this phase!
Why does separation anxiety affect sleep?
When you lay your baby down in their crib and leave the room, they might suddenly register that you’re gone, and they have an opinion about it!
Or as you start your nap routine, your baby catches on to what’s happening, and they’re like, “You better not be about to lay me down!”
They’re not being manipulative, they’re learning!
It’s just like when you left them on their floor mat to empty the dishwasher. Your baby makes it very clear they want to be with you!
Same thing goes for sleep.
Signs separation anxiety might be impacting your baby’s sleep
I would say the most common sign that separation anxiety is impacting your baby’s sleep is that your baby really fights it when you lay them in their crib. If they’re an independent sleeper who usually falls asleep happily within a few minutes, they might really cry now.
They’re probably still falling asleep within about 10 minutes, but rather than happily rolling over and cooing themselves to sleep, they really fight it for a few minutes.
I would say the other most common sign they’re experiencing separation anxiety around sleep is your baby fights their nap or bedtime routine a lot more. You enter their room and they start to fuss. Or you’re trying to read a book and they’re not about it. Or you turn the sound machine on and the lights off, and they’re immediately upset.
I would say less common signs of separation anxiety would be false starts, or night wakings, earlier mornings, or shorter naps. I really hesitate to attribute these things to separation anxiety, as I’ve really just not seen it enough. I won’t say it couldn’t possibly be, because how are you going to prove something like that with babies?
But if a baby suddenly starts waking in the night again, separation anxiety is going to be toward the end of my list.
For a baby who normally isn’t an independent sleeper, separation anxiety might look like them taking longer to fall asleep as you rock them, because they don’t want you to put them down. Or you having to rock them for way longer than usual to get them into a deeper sleep before successfully transferring them. Or having to re-rock them a few times because they pop their eyes open the moment they hit the crib.
I remember this so vividly with our second daughter, and it was around 9 months old, like clockwork. My baby, who was a great sleeper from the start, who never fought sleep, was super chill overall…started fighting even in our nap and bedtime routine.
You could tell she knew what was coming and she didn’t want me to lay her down! But she’d still fall asleep within probably 7-8 minutes.
Thankfully, I had become a sleep coach about a year prior to this, so I knew what was going on pretty quickly. I had some tools up my sleeve to help her!
Tips to help your baby sleep when they’re experiencing separation anxiety
1. Add an extra story to their routine!
I recommend adding a book into your baby’s nap and bedtime routine around four months old, because it’s great for their development and they can start enjoying more than you might expect! But I usually just do one book, because they’re so little.
I have found that for two of my kiddos, however, when they seem to reach this separation anxiety stage, adding an extra book into the routine can help!
The way I think about it is I’m adding in three more minutes of one-on-one time, snuggle time, together time, love-tank-filling time, and it seems to help!
2. Get silly!
When you’re changing their diaper in the routine, make silly faces or silly sounds. When you’re laying them down in their sleep sack, swing them a few times, acting like they’re flying, or like you’re going to drop them in their sleep sack.
You’re still doing your usual routine, you’re just using silliness as a distraction from what they think they need to rage against.
3. Be consistent!
This next tip is more specifically for those who already have independent sleepers. That’s not to say that if your baby still rocks or nurses to sleep, you’re out of luck here, but your baby already needs lots of help falling asleep, so they’re going to continue needing lots of help falling asleep, separation anxiety or not.
But if you’ve been able to lay them down and walk away, but that seems to be harder now…and you’ve ruled out any drowsiness, a schedule adjustment, sickness, and separation anxiety sounds like what’s going on…
Be consistent!
Keep your response at nap and bedtime predictable and normal to what you usually do. This isn’t a “do over” or restarting of sleep training, you’re just sticking to your original plan here.
If you usually lay them down and walk away, still walk away. I know it’s tough when they’re standing and reaching for you – it breaks my heart, too – but follow through with what you usually do.
And as I mentioned briefly before, I have found that when most independent sleepers are going through separation anxiety, they still usually fall asleep within about 10 minutes. It might just be a fightier 10 minutes. And it’s sad, but I’m okay with that!
If, at the 10-minute mark, they’re still upset and you feel like you should go in, do a quick check-in, but then leave again.
This consistency is important, because otherwise we get stuck. Your baby cries when you lay them down, so you start rocking them to sleep, or halfway to sleep. Or you feed them to sleep “just this once” because maybe they’re hungry. Or you sit there and rub their back until they’re asleep.
Now, none of these things are “bad,” so don’t hear me say you’re “wrong” if you do any of these.
But do hear me say, if your baby is an independent sleeper, and your goal is to continue with that independent sleep, this is a slippery slope. You’re trying to be responsive, but now your baby doesn’t really know what to expect.
One off night shouldn’t mess with anything, but a few off nights and off days in a row could certainly set you back a bit!
And if you then try to get back on track, it might feel like separation anxiety is even worse now. Or is it just that they’re adjusting to new patterns again?
So consistency is super helpful.
What’s probably NOT separation anxiety, in connection to your baby’s sleep
I’m totally making this up, but I’d say 95% of the time I talk to parents whose babies are struggling with sleep, my first guess is NOT separation anxiety.
If a parent comes to me and says, “My baby is 8 months old, takes 45 minutes to rock to sleep every night, wakes up every two hours, and stands and cries in their crib until they get a bottle. Do you think it’s separation anxiety?”
I have to be honest here, separation anxiety would be one of my last thoughts. Could their baby have separation anxiety? Sure, who am I to say they don’t?!
But do I think that separation anxiety is causing these sleep challenges?
No.
Separation anxiety is more of a phase, or a sleep regression. And taking so much work to fall asleep, or waking up all night, or waking up super early, or struggling with naps, is more than a phase!
It’s going to take more than some silliness, and more than just sticking to your normal routine and response for them to get back on track. It’s going to take an age-appropriate and baby-centered sleep training plan!
Only once I know if the baby is truly an independent sleeper, their schedule really seems spot on, overnight sleep is fine, naps are great, all the things – but they’re really not loving the routine, or they’re crying for a bit before falling asleep and that hasn’t been their norm. And they happen to be 8-9 months old and mom confirms they’ve recently gotten much fussier when left alone, then I think it’s probably separation anxiety.
Let me also add, if this issue has been going on for two months, it’s probably not separation anxiety! Or at least not anymore. Maybe what started as separation anxiety turned into new habits, but separation anxiety doesn’t generally seem to impact sleep much longer than two weeks or so.
Can you sleep train a baby going through separation anxiety?
Yes, you sure can! Because if you’re looking to sleep train, there’s more going on here than separation anxiety. And separation anxiety is a phase, or regression, and sleep training will last!
Just like how you can sleep train during the four-month regression, or while your baby is teething, or when they’re learning to crawl.
And sleep training doesn’t mean you have to leave your baby and never come back – you don’t have to separate! I share more about the four most common sleep training methods, but here at Via Graces, we walk families through how to stay in the room for the first few days of sleep training, or how to do intermittent check-ins.
While we can’t simply take that separation anxiety away, we can help support our babies through it, and we can take steps to make sure it doesn’t impact their sleep for too long.
So if you have a baby and bedtime has gotten tough, and you’re not sure whether it’s separation anxiety, a schedule issue, a sleep association issue, or something else, we help families sort that out every week and would love to help you do the same. You can check out our one-on-one sleep training plans here.
Conclusion
The goal of this post is to help you understand how separation anxiety might be impacting your baby’s sleep, and to give you practical tips to help you and your baby get through it. The plan is also to let you know how separation anxiety doesn’t impact baby sleep!
Also, remember that you’re not alone in this sudden change. Separation anxiety is normal and it can be tough, both for baby and mom and dad! I want to reassure you that this separation anxiety won’t impact sleep forever; great sleep is possible again.
And if you’re stuck with not knowing what to do, or you’re way beyond separation anxiety at this point, or after reading this you don’t actually think it’s separation anxiety anymore and you’re looking for some help…we would love to walk you through a personalized plan for your baby and family, so you can stop “sticking it out”, or piecing together random strategies, and actually get results. Real sleep and confidence at bedtime again.
Check out our one-on-one sleep support!
And if you’re reading this and you have a toddler, or your baby is reaching toddlerhood, make sure you come back next week for more on toddler sleep and separation anxiety!
With Grace,
Lauren
