Last week, we focused specifically on separation anxiety with babies and how that impacts sleep. And this week, we’re talking about separation anxiety with toddlers and how that might impact their sleep.

Because while there are certainly some similarities here, we all know that babies and toddlers are different!

If you have a toddler, chances are the following scenario feels familiar right now, or you’ve experienced it before…

You take your toddler upstairs for bedtime, and when it’s time for jammies, they lose it, don’t want their jammies, they’re screaming that they don’t want to sleep.

Or maybe the bedtime routine is no problem, they love their story time, you’re even able to lay them in their crib, or tuck them into their bed without an issue, but as you start walking away, or after you close the door, they scream.

And this has not been the norm. Your bedtime routine has been enjoyable for a while! You’ve been able to lay them down, walk away, and know they’ll put themselves to sleep on their own. But now, out of nowhere, boom – bedtime is not so easy anymore.

If this is happening, your toddler might be experiencing some separation anxiety. And yes, separation anxiety can suddenly disrupt sleep even if your toddler previously slept independently.

And separation anxiety is developmentally normal, which I feel like gives us all some extra room to breathe.

But just because separation anxiety is normal doesn’t mean you’re now stuck with a bedtime routine full of fighting or hour-long bedtimes.

So in this post, we’ll break it all down for you:

• When separation anxiety usually starts impacting toddler’s sleep
• Why, developmentally, separation anxiety impacts toddlers
• Signs separation anxiety might be impacting your toddler’s sleep
• Bedtime strategies for helping your toddler through this separation anxiety

And more!

When do most toddlers experience separation anxiety?

Similar to babies, it’s not super straightforward as to when toddlers might start experiencing separation anxiety. In fact, I think with toddlers it’s even less predictable and can really be all over the place!

This age range tends to be much wider; some toddlers experience separation anxiety around 18 months, while some experience it closer to 2.5-3 years old. Some toddlers seem to experience it at 18 months and 3, and some seem to experience it on and off everywhere in between!

And some don’t seem to experience it at all.

If that wild roller coaster doesn’t describe toddlers, I don’t know what does!

Basically, there’s a very high chance your toddler will experience some separation anxiety at some point in their toddlerhood, maybe even multiple times.

Developmentally, why do toddlers experience separation anxiety?

As toddlers continue to get older and more independent, are capable of exploring the world around them a little more deeply, and start to communicate more and more, we often see separation anxiety rise. It’s almost like separation anxiety increases as independence starts growing.

They might not want to be in a separate room from you, they might want to be touching you or on your lap more often, or they might now scream when you drop them off at daycare or Sunday school.

The way I think of it is they are becoming more brave to explore the big, awesome world around them, they want to do it themselves, and then all of a sudden they realize there’s this big, open world that’s unfamiliar, and they retreat back to their safe place, which is you, and they want your help.

Toddlers are also still very much learning emotional regulation. So they have really big feelings, and they’re still learning how to calm down.

Their imaginations are growing much faster than logic. So they know mom left the room, but now they’re wondering if she’s going to come back! What if she doesn’t?

They don’t yet know that when we have a babysitter, mom and dad always come back.

And again, this is toddlerhood. This is all very normal, it’s a natural stage of development. And it can be tough.

Why does separation anxiety often impact toddlers’ bedtime?

It makes sense that toddlers go through separation anxiety, but sometimes that gets confusing at bedtime. Especially when you’ve had such a solid routine for so long and your child has historically loved sleep!

Well, separation anxiety can rear its head at bedtime because sleep naturally involves separation. If your toddler is an independent sleeper, you kiss them goodnight and walk out of the room – but that’s separation. Or if you still rock them to sleep, or hold your toddler’s hand to sleep, you likely leave once they’re asleep – and they know that. They know the separation is still coming.

And they don’t have it down yet that mom or dad always gets me when I wake up from my nap.

Also, when anyone is tired, adults and kids, like, emotional regulation is just harder. So when we’re getting ready for bed and that sleep pressure is high, the melatonin is pumping and our toddlers are tired and don’t want to go to bed, hello bedtime battles.

Signs your toddler might be experiencing separation anxiety around sleep

The most common sign your toddler is experiencing some separation anxiety around sleep is that when you put them to bed, rather than falling asleep happily within a few minutes, they might really cry now.

They’re probably still falling asleep within about 15 minutes, but rather than singing themselves to sleep or twiddling their thumbs, they now call out for you, or stand and cry, or throw their lovey out of their bed.

I would say the other most common sign is that your toddler fights their nap or bedtime routine a lot more. You enter their room, and they start to fight you. Or you’re trying to read a book, and they’re hitting it away. Or you turn the sound machine on and the lights off, and they say “No sleep!” Or they cling to you as you’re trying to lay them down!

I would say less common signs of separation anxiety would be night wakings, earlier mornings, or shorter naps. I really hesitate to attribute these things to separation anxiety, I think because I’ve really just not seen it enough.

I won’t say it couldn’t possibly be, but if a toddler suddenly starts waking in the night again, separation anxiety is going to be toward the very end of my list of reasons why. A schedule adjustment is going to be top of mind if sleep really starts to fall apart for a toddler, because sleep pressure is such a big deal! We talked about undertiredness here, and how it can be a really big issue! Sometimes, more awake time really solves a lot.

Now, for a toddler who normally isn’t an independent sleeper, separation anxiety might look like them taking longer to fall asleep as you rock them, or hold their hand because they don’t want you leave. Or you have to lie next to them for way longer than usual to get them into a deeper sleep before successfully sliding your way out.

Our son is almost 15 months old, and he’s definitely going through some sort of separation anxiety right now. And I’m still going to hold on to calling him a baby, because my mama heart can’t say toddler yet, but with his language and overall development, he’s learning so much right now!

We had a bunch of friends over the other morning and when I walked out of the room, he lost it! He’s never done that until the last few weeks.

And the last few weeks, he’s also been more fight-y in his nap and bedtime routine. He’s fighting his sleep sack and pushes his books away. And when I lay him down, rather than just sticking his little bum in their air and going to sleep, he stands right up and says, “Mama!”

But he’s still falling asleep in under 10 minutes, his naps are still great, and overnight is still great, so I know it’s not a scheduling issue. I think it’s just developmental, and that’s okay!

AND, I have to say, it’s so helpful being a sleep coach and mom, because I know how to think through what’s going on and what we might need to change, or when we might just need to hang tight and stay consistent.

So now I’m going to invite you into that part of my brain a bit with some strategies.

Strategies for your toddler experiencing separation anxiety around sleep

One-on-One Time

My first tip is to try to be really intentional about carving out one-on-one time with your toddler as much as possible. Even 10 minutes a day goes a long way.

Whether that’s adding a few extra minutes to your toddler’s bedtime routine with an extra book or a made-up story, or having special puzzle time, or Play-Doh time, or a mommy-daughter walk around the block, that one-on-one time with no phone, no laundry to be folded, no dinner to be made, just undivided attention, goes a long way.

Mom and dad might be leaving after putting me to bed, but we had a lot of fun today!

I actually go in depth on how this one-on-one time can actually support sleep, in general, in this post, as we talk about “emotional piggy banks.” So definitely check that out to learn more.

Get Silly!

Distraction goes a long way with toddlers. Rather than walking to their room before nap or bedtime, crab walk or wheelbarrow them over. Brush their sharp lion teeth. Hiss like a snack as they put on their jammies. Read books in silly voices!

With our son, who’s been fighting his routine more lately, we pretend we’re munching on the foods or the animals in the book we’re reading. I make funny faces and noises as I put his sleep sack on. And I tickle him while I’m singing his bedtime song. Same routine, same end goal, and honestly, same amount of time, just with splashes of silly.

That silliness can go a long way in distracting toddlers from the day-to-day routines they are starting to anticipate or fight.

Be Consistent!

A toddler’s job is to push boundaries. They are trying to figure out where those boundaries lie, and as parents, it’s our job to very clearly lay those boundaries. Which, to some, sounds mean or harsh, but I say it’s loving to help our kids know what to expect.

And I always say it’s a grace + boundaries combo.

So while separation anxiety is normal, we still want to remain consistent so we don’t start creating new habits.

For example, your toddler starts losing it at daycare drop-off. What you’re probably not going to do, and probably shouldn’t do, is bring them to work with you instead. You might give them an extra hug and kiss, because grace, but you’re still going to leave, because boundaries.

Or you need to make dinner, and they’re hanging on your legs; your toddler really wants you to hold them. You might pick them up as you stir the noodles or get the silverware out, because grace, but you’re probably not going to hold them as you prep the raw chicken, because safety. And you’re probably not going to just order takeout so you can hold them the rest of the night, because boundaries!

So now think about sleep. Your toddler starts fighting their routine. Consistency means you might add an extra story in there, because grace. But you’re probably not going to scrap bedtime and try again in an hour, because boundaries.

Or when you put them in their crib and they start screaming or stand right up, consistency means you might kiss them again, or rub their back for a minute or two, because grace. You might even pick them up again, although that could be a slippery slope, but then you’re going to lay them down. And then you’re still going to walk away, because boundaries.

Consistency means you’ll check in on that night waking, but it’s after first waiting a few minutes, and maybe just from the door, or maybe you’ll rub their back but not pick them up, or pick them up but only for a minute or two. Because we’re trying to stick as close to “normal” as possible, and we’re trying to stick with some sort of “plan” here.

That’s consistent.

And there’s something about sleep that makes this so hard. We can hold the boundaries more easily during the day, but at bedtime, we just want them to sleep, so we can just sleep and not have issues.

So this is where I find a lot of families get into “trouble.” Their toddler all of a sudden fights bedtime, so they panic and rock them to sleep just that once.

Or they lie on their floor and hold their hand. Or they pull them into mom and dad’s bed.

And one-off night? No problem! But five off-nights in a row? Now we’re starting to slip into new habits or expectations here.

This is where we start to unintentionally “reward” the separation anxiety, and now three weeks later, these new sleep habits have formed and we don’t know how to go back.

When toddler families come to us, separation anxiety itself usually isn’t the problem – at least not anymore. It’s the patterns families accidentally build around sleep while trying to survive.

When our second daughter was around 18 months old, I remember her waking in the night (not her norm!), and she was sharing a room with her 3-year-old sister, so I popped in there and maybe picked her up, tried to lay her back down, that was a no-go, so I ended up laying on her floor until she was back asleep.

Not a huge deal, it was just one night, probably just a fluke.

Except then it happened the next night, and the next, and now multiple night wakings…not a fluke.

I had slipped down that slope, thinking I was just being a super gracious and responsive mom, but now neither of us was sleeping well anymore, and we needed to get back on track. We had to do a mini re-sleep training, of sorts, and we were right back on track!

I don’t think little regression was separation anxiety, but maybe! But I do know what it’s like when sleep gets thrown off and we just do whatever it takes, because survival mode, until oops, this isn’t where we want to be, how do we get back to peaceful, full nights of sleep?

Getting back is a whole other conversation, but my point here is, consistency is so key to help prevent those slides where we then have to back track even more.

So yes, have grace, but also, boundaries and consistency!

What toddler sleep challenges are likely NOT separation anxiety

The majority of the time we talk to parents whose toddlers are struggling with sleep, my first guess is not separation anxiety.

If a parent comes to me and says, “My two-year-old takes over an hour to fall asleep at bedtime, wakes up 1-3 times, and eventually ends up in our bed. Do you think it’s separation anxiety?”

I have to be honest here, separation anxiety would be one of my last thoughts. Could their toddler be going through separation anxiety? Sure, who am I to say they aren’t?

But do I think that separation anxiety is causing these sleep challenges? No.

Separation anxiety is more of a phase, or a sleep regression. And taking so long to fall asleep, or waking up all night, and only going back to sleep in mom’s bed, is more than a phase!

It’s going to take more than one-on-one time, distractions, and more than just sticking to your normal routine to get them sleeping well. It’s going to take an age-appropriate and toddler-centered sleep training plan!

Let me also add, if this issue has been going on for two months, it’s probably not separation anxiety! Or at least not anymore. Maybe what started as separation anxiety turned into new habits, but separation anxiety doesn’t generally seem to impact sleep much longer than two weeks or so.

A final quick but important side note…

This whole episode, I’ve been talking about separation anxiety. A normal, developmental phase that all babies and toddlers seem to go through at one time or another.

I’m not talking about general bedtime anxieties and fears – being afraid of the dark, scary dreams, what’s under my bed – so if it feels like I’m ignoring talking about really real fears your child has at night, there’s a whole other post on bedtime fears here.

This one is just about separation anxiety.

Conclusion

The goal of this post is to help you understand how separation anxiety could impact your toddler’s sleep, and to give you practical tips to help them through it. So whether your toddler is experiencing separation anxiety right now, or they’ve been there before, or you’re just prepping for what’s to come, you feel a little more confident than before you pressed play.

The goal is also to let you know how separation anxiety doesn’t impact toddler sleep, so you don’t wait too long to get help, if necessary!

I also want to remind you that separation anxiety is normal; hard, but normal. And you’re not doing something wrong, and it won’t last forever!

And we want to make sure you know that if your toddler’s separation anxiety is showing up at bedtime, naps, daycare drop-offs — or you feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing is helping consistently — this is exactly the kind of situation we help families navigate when we work together one-on-one.

We take into account how your child has slept historically, what their temperament is, your family’s daily schedule, if they share a room with a sibling, etc.

And then we give you a step-by-step, day-by-day sleep, and we track their sleep over three weeks, so we can ensure sleep is actually the result at the end. No more 2 am frustration Google searches or ChatGPT sleep training plan. Real people helping real families get their real kiddos to sleep.

So if you’re reading this and are ready for that kind of personalized and intentional support, learn more here.

With Grace,

Lauren